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Blown into prime factors

From Google Trends, it looks like the lag between people Googling cocktail recipes and 'hangover cure' is 14 hours.

It may be a fundamentally empty experience, but holy crap the Droid's 265 ppi screen is amazing.

To be fair, the braised and confused newt on a bed of crushed Doritos turned out to be delicious.

Ugh, it's stuck to my laptop. It must have bound to the ACER-2 receptor.

I'm sorry, but the author of this Facebook comment clearly believes you were.

Vanilla Ice was produced in small quantities for years, but it wasn't until the 90s that experimenters collaborated to produce a sample that could survive at room temperature for several months.

For someone who has ostensibly outgrown staying up late waiting for Santa, I do spend an awful lot of time refreshing websites to see if packages are here yet.

'You will have hot, steamy, sweaty sex ... IN BED!'

Sure, this exoplanet we discovered may seem hostile to life, but our calculations suggest it's actually in the accretion disc's habitable zone.

If you're turning 27 and were born in the Northeast, maybe you were conceived in the April blizzard of 1982. Imagine: snowed in, candles, massage oil, your mom sporting nothing but her early 80's haircut and a smile ... aren't you glad you read the title-text?

They say if a mathematician doesn't do their great work by age eleven, they never will.

I hate when I read something like '... tension among the BASE jumpers nearly led to wingsuit combat ...', and I get excited because 'wingsuit combat' is underlined, only to find that it's just separate links to the 'wingsuit' and 'combat' articles.

Juno mission data suggests that Jupiter actually contains Matryoshka doll-style nested copies of every other planet in the Solar System.

[Decades in the future] "Well, the good news is that we've received definitive communication from aliens. The bad news is that they're asking about Cats (2019)."

[*disables social networking accounts*] [*social isolation increases*] Wait, why does this ALSO feel bad?

James Cameron has said that he didn't know its song would be so beautiful. He didn't close the door in time. He's sorry.

Staple guns: because duct tape can't make that 'kaCHUNK' noise.

Last week, we busted the myth that electroweak gauge symmetry is broken by the Higgs mechanism. We'll also examine the existence of God and whether true love exists.

Their calculations show it will 'pass within the distance of the moon' but that it 'will not hit the moon, so what's the point?'

More actual results: 'Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You [are the best. The best thing ever]', 'Revenge is a dish best served [by a group of people in my room]', and 'They may take our lives, but they'll never take our [money].'

Ants have reverse chemtrails--regular citizens spraying chemicals everywhere they go to control the government.

I don't remember her name at all, but she fell asleep on the floor in front of me.

The likely shape of the bells was determined through consultation with several bellringing experts at the Tower of London. Transcripts of those interviews are available in Appendix VII.

Interpretations of the Hermeneutic Oath differ.

Look, you can't complain about this after giving us so many scenarios involving N locked chests and M unlabeled keys.

RIP, Gary.

It's pi plus C, of course.

A lot of Jedi romances start with this turning into a Lady and the Tramp spaghetti situation.

If you want to be extra safe, check that there's a big block of jumbled characters at the bottom.

"Some people say light is waves, and some say it's particles, so I bet light is some in-between thing that's both wave and particle depending on how you look at it. Am I right?" "YES, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T BE!"

The increasing number of graham crackers and chocolate bars in orbit has created a growing risk of Kessler s'mores.

I'd like to find a corpus of writing from children in a non-self-selected sample (e.g. handwritten letters to the president from everyone in the same teacher's 7th grade class every year)--and score the kids today versus the kids 20 years ago on various objective measures of writing quality. I've heard the idea that exposure to all this amateur peer practice is hurting us, but I'd bet on the generation that conducts the bulk of their social lives via the written word over the generation that occasionally wrote book reports and letters to grandma once a year, any day.

Sitting here idly trying to figure out how the population of the Old West in the late 1800s compares to the number of Red Dead Redemption 2 players.

'We can also use middle names in place of first pet's names, but yours is something incomprehensible about dropping tables.'

I firmly believe that nothing can go wrong on a project if you're wearing one of those wrist things.

The articles are much shorter, but I assume that's because this version predates the merger with the Hawaiian text that created the modern Hawaiian-Greek hybrid wiki-pedia.

Bonus question: Where is London located? (a) The British Isles (b) Great Britain and Northern Ireland (c) The UK (d) Europe (or 'the EU') (e) Greater London

Look, I just think we need to stop coddling those hedonistic roundabout hogs who get into the inner lane and circle for hours, wasting valuable capacity.

Legally-mandated information would be printed on the back or discreetly along the bottom. In small letters under the nutrition information it would say 'Like our products? Visit our website!' There would be no URL.

You may point out that this very retreat into ironic detachment while still clearly participating in the thing in question is the very definition of contemporary hipsterdom. But on the other hand, wait, you're in an empty room. Who are you talking to?

I'm waiting for the day when, if you tell someone 'I'm from the internet', instead of laughing they just ask 'oh, what part?'

Several of the guests are secretly playing Meta Board Game Party. Every minute of parallel debate in the breakaway faction earns double victory points!

Gorilla, yes. Adorable golden retriever, yes. But it says nothing about meerkats.

It's really hard to control the frequency, actually.

There's some flexibility depending on your standards for measuring runtime and the various special editions. If you still want to have a party, I'm sure you can find some combination that works.

Of course in reality this is just a US/UK thing; in British English, 'fall' is the brief period in between and 'autumn' is the main season.

There are more Trump voters in California than Texas, more Biden voters in Texas than New York, more Trump voters in New York than Ohio, more Biden voters in Ohio than Massachusetts, more Trump voters in Massachusetts than Mississippi, and more Biden voters in Mississippi than Vermont.

There are actually lowercase-like 'oldstyle' forms of normal numbers with more pronounced ascenders and descenders, which is why some numbers like '5' in books sometimes dangle below the line. But the true capital numbers remain the domain of number maven Mavis Beacon.

'... hosts were unexpectedly fired from ABC's 'The View' today. ABC will likely announce new ...'

If you think space elevators are good, but just too boring and practical, check out the 'space fountain'.

Police reported three dozen cheerful bystanders, yet no one claims to have seen who did it.

Also, they're getting increasingly worried that someone will accidentally hit the 'retract' button, and that the end of the cable thrashing around as it winds up could devastate the Earth's surface.

Nowadays the only ones left that do anything are turtles.

It was tricky.

Let's invite him to a party and play 'I never'. Okay, I never hid any bodies SOUTH of Main Street. ... he's taking a drink!

His books were kinda intimidating; rappelling down through his skylight seemed like the best option.

For a while, some physicists worked on a theory unifying the other forces with both the force of gravity and the film "Gravity," but even after Alfonso Cuarón was held in a deep underground chamber of water for 10^31 years he refused to sell his film to Disney.

I wasn't a big fan of 3 or Salvation, so I'm trying to resist getting my hopes up too much for Dark Fate, but it's hard. I'm just a sucker for humans and robots traveling through time to try to drive trucks into each other, apparently.

A whirlpool!

"Or maybe, because we're suddenly having so many conversations through written text, we'll start relying MORE on altered spelling to indicate meaning!" "Wat."

I know having so many base pairs makes rebasing complicated, but you're in Bilateria, so shouldn't you at LEAST be better at using git head?

Who knew you could learn so much about sexual reproduction from looking at pictures on the internet!

Medium: Pencil on paper

Hi all, just replying to loop in *@outlook.com and *@yahoo.com.

NOTE TO FUTURE ETYMONLINGUISTS: Our best guess is that 'blimp' is onomatopoeia. The 'B-Limp' thing is a folk etymology.

Anyway, we should totally go watch a video story or put some food in our normal mouths!

Oh no, my marshmallow became tidally locked!

Constantly stopping these briefings halfway through is becoming a pain.

A good lifehack is to use messy and unstable systems to organize your photos. That way, every five years or so it becomes obsolete and/or collapses, and you have to open it up and pick only your favorite pictures to salvage.

If only I had asked 4chan for ideas for what I should do to prevent this!

'Why are you standing in the yard wearing a papal hat and a robe covered in seeds?' 'Well, the Pope is visiting our town next month ...'

I also managed to improve the solution for n=1 to s<0.97, and with some upgrades I think I can hit 0.96.

And if you drive a typical car more than a mile out of your way for each penny you save on the per-gallon price, it doesn't matter how worthless your time is to you--the gas to get you there and back costs more than you save.

I mean, the black-and-white stuff was running backward, but it hardly mattered to the story.

Hm, this burger place has a couple of good reviews, but LakeSlayer7 says he got food poisoning there and everyone should try this other place down by the lake instead.

Ugh, and we JUST went through this yesterday with javelin.

NASCAR removed the passenger seats because drivers hated how astronauts kept riding along with them and loudly announcing "Ahh, what a nice and relaxing drive."

They've endowed a separate prize in Physiology or Medicine or Stopping Dr. Adams.

Although it was a setback for physics, I'm glad the particle naming rights issue led to the cancelation of Pizza Hut's Superconducting Super Collider in the early 90s, so the Double Stuffed Extra Cheese Topping Quark ended up just being named 'top quark.'

And yet I have no trouble believing that the start of the 2016 election was several decades ago.

Listen, you're very cute, but if you rearrange the alphabet to put U and I together it will RUIN the spacing!

Wishbone and the Illustrated Classics series have gotten me through every conversation I've ever had about Dickens, Treasure Island, The Anarchist's Cookbook, and Our Bodies, Ourselves.

40 digits: You are optimistic about our understanding of the nature of distance itself.

For some reason, my childhood suspension of disbelief had no problem with the fact that this ancient galaxy is full of humans, but was derailed by language. There's no Asia OR Europe there, so where'd they get all the Indo-European roots?

I'm actually not sure if Vader and the Emperor count as a household or if Vader lives in that weird black egg thing or what.

They had BETTER make this a sample return mission.

In the future, a group of resistance fighters send me back in time with instructions to find the Skynet prototype and try to upgrade it.

'I was pretty good at skeet shooting, but was eventually kicked off the range for catching the clay pigeons in a net and dispatching them execution-style.'

I bet my future kids will read this someday. DEAR FUTURE KIDS: how did you get internet in the cellar?

I was really impressed by the accuracy of some of the report's predictions about fossil fuel consumption. Then I realized, oh, right, of course.

On one hand, you'll never be able to convince your parents to switch. On the other hand, you'll never be able to convince your parents to switch!

After reading that "The War To Sell You A Mattress Is An Internet Nightmare" article, I've decided it's safer and less complicated to just sleep on the floor. DISCLOSURE: THE AUTHOR OF THIS MOUSEOVER TEXT RECEIVED FINANCIAL COMPENSATION FROM THE FLOOR INDUSTRY FOR THIS MESSAGE.

Why would anyone ever, ever say that? Please, nobody ever say that.

I came here to chew bubblegum and say no more than eighteen words ... and I'm all out of

But to us there is but one God, plus or minus one. --1 Corinthians 8:6±2.

I tell my children 'it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.' I'm trying to take the edge off their competitive drive to ensure that I can always beat them.

The academic archaeology establishment is suppressing my breakthroughs because of the disruption it would bring to their prepared-core flake-based toolmaking industry.

If only we'd chosen 1944-12-02 08:45:52 as the Unix epoch, we could've combined two doomsday scenarios into one and added a really boring scene to that Roland Emmerich movie.

I'm only willing to visit placid lakes, salt flats, and painting exhibits until the world's 3D technology improves.

Give a man a fish, or he will destroy the only existing vial of antidote.

Our flight gathered valuable data on whether a commercial airliner in the eye of a hurricane can do a loop.

Opening dialogue by Scott

Revised directive: It is forbidden for you to interfere with human history until you've at least taken a class on it.

Life hack: Wait for an advanced civilization to be briefly distracted, then sneak in and construct a slightly smaller Dyson sphere inside theirs.

Their 'best philosophy of epistemology' picks are great, but you can tell they're struggling a little in the 'why you should trust us' section.

If you don't have an extension cord I can get that too. Because we're friends! Right?

Themistocles said his infant son ruled all Greece -- "Athens rules all Greece; I control Athens; my wife controls me; and my infant son controls her." Thus, nowadays the world is controlled by whoever buys advertising time on Dora the Explorer.

Zero results: 'snake charming' and 'haberdashery'. (Things like 'car' and 'boating' and such are of course the highest, by a huge margin.)

I sort of wish my texting app showed the percentage next to each person, but also sort of don't want to know.

I would never stoop to vandalism, but I'm not above discreetly deleting the occasional 'this article contains excessive amounts of detail' tag.

Freestyle rapping is basically applied Markov chains.

Mathematicians quickly determined that it spells ANT BNECN, an unusual theoretical dish which was not successfully cooked until Andrew Wiles made it for breakfast in the 1990s.

Now, if it selectively kills cancer cells in a petri dish, you can be sure it's at least a great breakthrough for everyone suffering from petri dish cancer.

[Shortly thereafter, at a nearby bakery] ::CRASH:: ::RUMBLE:: ::VRRRRRR:: '... I don't know, officer. It just scooped up an entire rack of scones and drove away!'

When my great grandfather designed the Titanic and it hit an iceberg and sank, he didn't sit around moping. He took those lessons to his next job designing airships, and he made the Hindenburg completely iceberg-proof!

The most ridiculous offender of all is the sudoers man page, which for 15 years has started with a 'quick guide' to EBNF, a system for defining the grammar of a language. 'Don't despair', it says, 'the definitions below are annotated.'

We were going to do a falling-apart Rubik's cube that was just 27 independent blocks stuck together with magnets, but then we realized it was actually really cool and even kind of worked, so we cut that one.

'Hey! Put her down!' 'No, it's ok! The next chance for me to be carried to a blood cauldron isn't until 2024!'

The strongest incentive we have to develop faster-than-light travel is that it would let us apologize in advance.

If you must know, I'm currently researching how to save this emailed tax form as a regular PDF so I can print and sign it. Our work isn't a lock for the Nobel, but we're in the running.

WARNING: PEOPLE NAMED EVE ARE PROHIBITED FROM INSTALLING THIS APP!

That one is a variable star which pulses every 30 seconds. Its name comes from a Greek word meaning "smoke alarm."

Here, if you know the number of days until the vernal equinox, I can point you to the theater using my pocket Stonehenge.

I won't eat invertebrates, because I can fight a skeleton, but I have no idea what kind of spooky warrior a squid leaves behind.

If you encounter a hex bolt, but you only brought screwdrivers, you can try sandwiching the head of the bolt between two parallel screwdriver shafts, squeezing the screwdrivers together with a hand at either end, then twisting. It doesn't work and it's a great way to hurt yourself, but you can try it!

P((B|A)|(A|B)) represents the probability that you'll mix up the order of the terms when using Bayesian notation.

Hurricane forums are full of excited comments about central pressure and wind speed and comparisons to Camille and 1931 and 1938, with hastily-tacked-on notes about how it will be tragic if anyone dies and they hope it's a dud.

The warning diamond on the Materials Safety Data Sheet for this stuff just has the "😰" emoji in all four fields.

The TempurPedic wineglass guy broke his ankle.

And I even got out my adorable new netbook!

... go go gadget video camera. Go go gadget cup.

Surrounded by boring mysteries.

The top search for every state is PORN, except Florida, where it's SEX PORN.

factory --- spire --- onslaught --- extractor --- judge

We were disappointed that the rocket didn't make a THOOOONK noise when it went into the tube, but we're setting up big loudspeakers for future launches to add the sound effect.

Haha, just kidding, everyone's already been hacked. I wonder if today's the day we find out about it.

The Stroop-YORP number of a scientific paper is how many of the 16 finalist names (sans 'effect') it manages to casually sneak into the text.

You laugh to keep from crying, you do math to keep from crying . . .

In a tribute to classical Latin, I started pronouncing it 'per-kent.' Eventually my friends had to resort to spritzing me with a water bottle like a cat to train me out of it.

I think I accidentally installed an Overton window in my bedroom. A few months ago, the sun wasn't in my face in the morning, but now it is.

If there's no dome, how do you explain the irregularities the board discovered in the zoning permits issued in that area!?

The distinction between a ship and a boat is a line drawn in water.

The ISO 216 standard ratio is cos(45°), but American letter paper is 8.5x11 because it uses radians, and 8.5/11 = pi/4.

"The committee appreciates that your 2020 launch is on track, but the 'human capital/personnel retention' budget includes a lot more unmarked cash payments than usual. What are th--" "Public outreach."

The question with Lucy and the football was always whether, on some level, she believed the things she said.

How could you choose avoiding a little pain over understanding a magic lightning machine?

dpkg: error processing package (--purge): subprocess pre-removal script returned error exit 163: OH_GOD_THEYRE_INSIDE_MY_CLOTHES

[exclamation about how cute your cat is] -> [last 4 digits of your cat's chip ID] -> [your cat's full chip ID] -> [a drawing of your cat] -> [photo of your cat] -> [clone of your cat] -> [your actual cat] -> [my better cat]

Stay warm, little flappers, and find lots of plant eggs!

We could organize a nationwide old-photo-album search, but the real Worst McFly is probably lost to time.

Sorry to make you memorize this random string of digits. If it helps, it can also double as a mnemonic for remembering your young relatives' birthdays, if they happened to have been born on February 5th, 2018.

The Romeo and Butt-Head film actually got two thumbs up from Siskel and Oates.

SomethingAwful has a wonderful compilation of crazy AOL searches in their Weekend Web archives, 2006-08-13.

Not sure why I just taught everyone to flawlessly impersonate me to pretty much anyone I know. Just remember to constantly bring up how cool it is that birds are dinosaurs and you'll be set.

It was their main recruiting poster, hung nearly ten feet up a wall! This means the hackers have LADDER technology! Are we headed for a future where everyone has to pay $50 for one of those locked plexiglass poster covers? More after the break ...

The safe is empty except for an unsolved 5x5 Rubik's cube.

The wars between the "OTHER PRIMATES OPEN THEM FROM THE SMALL END" faction versus the "BUT THE LITTLE BIT OF BANANA AT THE SMALL END IS GROSS" faction consumed Europe for generations.

It's believed to be related to the Stellar Sea Cow.

In addition to gravity, burritos interact through the strong, weak, and electromagnetic forces, which is believed to be a major contributor to their popularity.

Does the screeching chill your blood and herald death? If yes, banshee. If no, seagull.

Our new video ad campaign has our product's name shouted in the first 500 milliseconds, so we can reach the people in adjacent rooms while the viewer is still turning down the volume.

When putting his kids to bed, after saying 'Goodnight', Obama has to stop himself from saying 'God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.'

It was finally destroyed with a nuclear weapon carrying the destructive energy of the Hiroshima bomb.

Let's get dinner after we promptly destroy all the X-7 we've manufactured.

They always try to explain that they're called 'solar physicists', but the reporters interrupt with "NEVER MIND THAT, TELL US WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE SUN!"

'So, uh, we did the green study again and got no link. It was probably a--' 'RESEARCH CONFLICTED ON GREEN JELLY BEAN/ACNE LINK; MORE STUDY RECOMMENDED!'

I remember trying to log in to the original Command and Conquer servers a year or two back and feeling like I was knocking on the boarded-up gates of a ghost town.

We actually divorced once over the airplane/treadmill argument. (Preemptive response to the inevitable threads arguing about it: you're all wrong on the internet.)

No white guy who's been mentioned on Twitter has gone on to win.

The Roanoke Lost Colonists founded Roanoke, the Franklin Expedition reached the Pacific in 2009 when the Northwest Passage opened, and Jimmy Hoffa currently heads the Teamsters Union--he just started going by 'James'.

The best thing about Strunk/White fanfiction is that it's virtually guaranteed to be well written.

This rumpled fabric at the corner looks like evidence of ongoing tectonic activity.

Note: How To will teach you lots of cool stuff about technology, data storage, butterfly migration, and more. Also you will never see your files again.

It's probably for the best. Since Roombas are native to North America, it's illegal for Americans to keep them in their houses under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.

I'm rubber. You're rubber. We contemplate the reality of our existence in mute, vulcanized horror.

The only other person to walk by was a linguist back in the 80s, but she just spent a while dissecting the phrase 'help me down' before getting distracted by a squirrel and wandering off.

Welcome to the Linguistics Department - It has been [2] [DAYS] since someone noticed that the Biology Department sign has a one-day-long singular/plural disagreement after it resets.

If they're going to make people ride bikes and scooters in traffic, then it should at LEAST be legal to do the Snow Crash thing where you use a hook-shot-style harpoon to catch free rides from cars.

The phone will be collected by the toll operators and mailed back to you within 4-6 weeks.

Birds are Aves, which is part of the clade Theropoda, which is in Saurischia, which is in Dinosauria. Those birds outside our windows are dinosaurs. We can clear out the rest of our brains because we now have the best fact.

𝓘 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓴 𝓬𝓪𝓹𝓲𝓽𝓪𝓵 𝓛 𝓲𝓼 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓸𝓼𝓽 𝓯𝓾𝓷 𝓽𝓸 𝔀𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓮, 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝓵𝓸𝔀𝓮𝓻𝓬𝓪𝓼𝓮 𝓺 𝓲𝓼 𝓪𝓵𝓼𝓸 𝓪 𝓼𝓽𝓻𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻.

100 years later, this story remains terrifying--not because it's the local network block, but because the killer is still on IPv4.

PHARAOH IRY-HOR, FROM THE 3100s BC, IS THE FIRST HUMAN WHOSE NAME WE KNOW.

I was there, dude.

I'm so glad NASA let you take your phone to Mars!

And I can't believe some places still use fax machines. The electrical signals waste so much time going AROUND the Earth when neutrino beams can go straight through!

Grandma's shelf-stable blackberry pie meson recipe was a huge seller until her farm was shut down by a joint FDA/NRC investigation.

We've secretly replaced this customer's instant coffee with our patented substitute. Let's see what she ... uh oh, I think she spotted us through the window. Now she's getting something from the closet ... oh jeez, she has a sword! Run!!

At least they're not alone down there.

It's not hard when you have the same thought like 40 or 50 percent of the time.

How about posts that are public, but every time a company accesses a bunch of them, the API makes their CEO's account click 'like' on one of them at random so you get a notification.

Trivia: Elaine is actually her middle name.

It's okay, they scan the serial numbers and make sure you can't deposit the same bill more than once.

Also no results: 1girl10000cups, 2girls(5+3i)cups, 65536girls65536cups, or 3frenchhens2turtledoves1cup.

Some say the world will end in fire; some say in segfaults.

There was something about a cup and a sword and a tree and a green hill ...

'Big Data' doesn't just mean increasing the font size.

They have to keep the adjacent rack units empty. Otherwise, half the entries in their /var/log/syslog are just 'SERVER BELOW TRYING TO START CONVERSATION *AGAIN*.' and 'WISH THEY'D STOP GIVING HIM SO MUCH COFFEE IT SPLATTERS EVERYWHERE.'

I think I see a Mandelbrot set! No, that's just blood splatters. Golly.

People often say that same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 60s. But in terms of public opinion, same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 90s, when it had already been legal nationwide for 30 years.

The Wirecutter staff called the Herman Miller Siege Perilous "the most cursed product we've ever had to fight" and "nearly as immortal as it boasts."

If it were a two or above I wouldn't be able to answer because it would mean a pause in the screaming.

20 balloons float away while I'm busy permanently tying one to a tree to deal with it for good. Unfortunately, that one balloon was 'land a rocket on the moon in Kerbal Space Program.'

We had gathered that raw information, but had yet to put it all together.

Remember, the installer is watching the camera for the checksum it generated, so you have to scan it using your own phone.

FYI: The 'drop, cover, and hold on' advice only applies to earthquakes. If you encounter a mountain lion, you should absolutely not drop to the ground, crawl under it, and hold on to one of its legs.

413 nanohertz, by the way.

The LINACs in the glasses frames can barely manage one MeV. You should've gone to the screening at CERN.

AAAAAA A ÃA̧AȂA̦ ǍÅÂÃĀÁȂ AAAAAAA!

Using a classic Timothy Zahn EU/Legends novel is bad enough, but at least the style and setting aren't too far off. If you really want to mess with people, try using Splinter of the Mind's Eye.

SUGGESTIONS FOR FUTURE RESEARCH: No further research is needed as it is frankly none of our business.

Single-elimination might provide more drama, but I think we can all agree that a comprehensive numerical scoring system will let us better judge the party's winner.

You can leave at any time through the door over there. It's a Louisville door, so you'll need to find a compatible knob. No, don't be silly, that one is a Lexington knob! Of course it won't fit.

The graph is of the magnitude of the function with the real value between 0 and 2 and the imaginary between about 35 and 40. I've misplaced the exact parameters I used.

If you call my regular number, it just goes to my pager.

President Andrew Johnson once said, "If I am to be shot at, I want Gnome Ann to be in the way of the bullet."

Wikipedia path: Virus -> Immune system -> Innate immune system -> Parasites -> List of parasites of humans -> Naegleria fowleri -> Primary amoebic meningoencephalitis -> Deciding I DEFINITELY shouldn't connect an aquarium pump to my sinuses

If you get an 11/100 on a CS test, but you claim it should be counted as a 'C', they'll probably decide you deserve the upgrade.

'Barack Obama is much less likely than the average cat to jump in and out of cardboard boxes for fun' is low precision, but I'm not sure about the accuracy.

Wait, is that the ORIGINAL voynich manuscript? Where did you GET that? Wanna try playing a round of Druids and Dicotyledons?

We reject the null hypothesis based on the 'hot damn, check out this chart' test.

'This HAZMAT container contains radioactive material with activity of one becquerel.' 'So, like, a single banana slice?'

I didn't even realize you could HAVE a data set made up entirely of outliers.

"I think I'll pass. These days I have a hard time feeling comfortable in crowded bars with loud music and lots of shouting." --me, after the pandemic, but now for a second reason

We've also developed the semi-semi-log scale, where the Y-axis for the left half of the graph is a log scale but on the right half it isn't.

Good point--making no decision is itself a decision. So that's a THIRD option I have to research!

You didn't run a chemical analysis against the Shroud of Turin? Man, all that work for NOTHING.

RIP the surface of Mars

Key West, Virginia is not to be confused with Key, West Virginia.

The SLS head engineer plans to invite Shania Twain to stand under the completed prototype, then tell her, 'I don't expect you to date me just because I'm a rocket scientist, but you've gotta admit--this is pretty fucking impressive.'

I plugged in this lamp and my dog went rigid, spoke a sentence of perfect Akkadian, and then was hurled sideways through the picture window. Even worse, it's one of those lamps where the switch is on the cord.

Earth's r_jf is approximately 1.5 light-days, leading to general relativity's successful prediction that all the frogs in the Solar System should be found collected on the surface of the Earth.

We carefully sampled the general population and found that most people are familiar with acquiescence bias.

An idling gas engine may be annoyingly loud, but that's the price you pay for having WAY less torque available at a standstill.

The E's wedding invitation definitely used the word LOVE more times than was strictly necessary.

You can click to preorder to get a copy of What If? 2 when it comes out 9/13, assuming we all make it past the spider situation(?) on Tuesday(?).

There are probably children out there holding down spacebar to stay warm in the winter! YOUR UPDATE MURDERS CHILDREN.

They're also refusing to fund my device that demonstrates uncontrolled hot fusion.

I'm pretty sure I've logged more hours in Google Maps over the past decade than in any game.

There's always the hope that if you sit and watch for long enough, the beachball will vanish and the thing it interrupted will return.

They could say "the connection is probably lost," but it's more fun to do naive time-averaging to give you hope that if you wait around for 1,163 hours, it will finally finish.

I'm like the Terminator, except with love!

Despite a reputation for safety, the temperatures and surprisingly high pressures make them even more dangerous than the air kind, but the NTSB refuses to investigate accidents because they insist there is no 'transportation' involved.

My first words were 'These were my first words; what were yours?'

On Mondays I go running, so you'll have to get up early and follow along on a parallel street. What fun!

I'm gonna call the cops and get Chad arrested for theft, then move all my stuff to the house across the street. Hopefully the owners there are more responsible.

And on the pedestal these words appear: "And on the pedestal these words appear: "And on the pedestal these words appear: "And ...

NEGATIVE REVIEWS MENTION: Unreliable internet. POSITIVE REVIEWS MENTION: Unreliable internet.

There are two or three songs out there with beeps in the chorus that sound exactly like the clock radio alarm I had in high school, and hearing it makes me think my life since junior year has been a dream I'm about to wake up from.

SELECT * FROM GHOSTS

The MythBusters are even more sinister.

It was actually canceled because they just noticed he's been naked under that coat the whole time. There's a petition on Facebook to get Fox to un-cancel it, and one on Livejournal to get him to take off the coat.

Some other studio should do the Antz/A Bug's Life thing and release The Dingbats Movie at the same time.

Our grant application contains one of those little greeting card speakers that plays spaceship noises when you open it.

The most important quantity for meteorologists is of course the product of latent pressure and temperostrophic enthalpy, though 'how nice the weather is' is a close second.

It's ok, I still have some nice, cool gas clouds that aren't collapsing. As long as nothing ionizes them, I can continue to enjoy their ... HEY! NO!!!

Cats can be smaller than the critical limit, but they're unobservable. If one shrinks enough that it crosses the limit, it just appears to get cuter and cuter as it slowly fades from view.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can make me think I deserved it.

LIFEHACKS: You can just take all the luggage off the airport conveyer belt and leave with it. They don't check that it's yours at the door!

The xkcd Survey: Big Data for a Big Planet

Dad, where is Grandpa right now?

Of the two Garfields, you wouldn't think the cat would turn out to be the more compelling presidential speechwriter, but there you go.

That's my hat! You took my hat!

'Oh yeah? Give me 50 milliscore reasons why I should stop.'

In fact, draw all your rotational matrices sideways. Your professors will love it! And then they'll go home and shrink.

There were traffic jams for the eclipses in 1970 and 1979, and that was *before* we had the potential for overnight viral social media frenzies.

Ok, I've got it, just need to plug in my security key. Hmm, which way does the USB go? Nope, not that way. I'll just flip it and– OH JEEZ IT FELL INTO THE VENT.

These rocks are from a time before eyes, brains, and bones, pieces of a land warmed by an unseen sun.

We definitely put the pool in a mine for shielding. It was absolutely not to hide it from the funding people.

To combat the threat, many airlines are installing wing-mounted spray bottles.

The other great lakes are just water on the far side of Canada Island. If you drive north from the Pacific northwest you actually cross directly into Alaska, although a few officials--confused by the Mercator distortion--have put up border signs.

Goldilocks' discovery of Newton's method for approximation required surprisingly few changes.

Speed Limit: 45 MPH / Minimum: 65 MPH

Anadromous fish are more vulnerable in rivers, since the lack of salt means you can quickly crack passwords using rainbow trout tables.

I'm as surprised as you! I didn't think it was possible.

Twister would've been a much better movie if they'd cut out the bad-guy storm chaser and all the emotional romance crap. All you need for a good movie are tornados and scientists. Actually, that's all you need for anything.

The vaccine stuff seems pretty simple. But if you take a closer look at the data, it's still simple, but bigger. And slightly blurry. Might need reading glasses.

If a wild bun is sighted, a nice gesture of respect is to send a 'BUN ALERT' message to friends and family, with photographs documenting the bun's location and rank. If no photographs are possible, emoji may be substituted.

We find you guilty of closing your torrents as soon as they finish. Your sentence is unremovable Hungarian subtitles on everything.

Pronouncing [ṡṡċċḣḣẇẇȧȧ] is easy; you just say it like the 'x' in 'fire'.

More generally, with great power comes great dEnergy/dt.

J.J. Thompson won a Nobel Prize for his work in electricity in gases, but was unfairly passed over for his "An atom is plum pudding, and plum pudding is MADE of atoms! Duuuuude." theory.

I want this engraved on my tombstone like the Epitaph of Stevinus.

It's nice how the end of the periodic table is flush with the edge these days, so I think we should agree no one should find any new elements after #118 unless they discover a whole row at once.

Since delays should get less likely closer to the launch, most astronomers in 2018 believed the expansion of the schedule was slowing, but by early 2020 new measurements indicated that it was actually accelerating.

She referenced Billie Eilish, so this must be getting pretty close to the pandemic. But we've seen the last two years in-universe, so if it's set in the future, they must be in at least 2023 by now. [*adds thumbtacks and string to wall*]

A partial eclipse is like a cool sunset. A total eclipse is like someone broke the sky.

'List of helicopter prison escapes' and 'List of sexually active popes' are both entertainingly long, but sadly there's no 'List of helicopter prison escapes involving sexually active popes.'

It's commonly believed that Lorentz contraction makes objects appear flatter along the direction of travel. However, this ignores light travel times. In fact, a fast-moving butt would appear rotated toward the observer but not substantially distorted. Shakira was right.

You can find a perfect correlation if you just control for the residual.

This was actually drawn years before Red Spiders

I understand it's hard to do more than 300 feet on these 90-second rush jobs, but with a smaller ramp I'm worried the gee forces will be too high for me to do any tricks.

'Am I taking care of you? I have a thesis to write!' 'My parents are at their house; you visited last--' 'No, no, explain like you're five.'

I'm just worried that we'll all leave and you won't get to come along!

I'm leaving you for your twin. He's more mature than you by now.

People keep telling me to use the radio but I really hate making voice calls.

The MythBusters need to tackle whether a black hole from the LHC could REALLY destroy the world.

The penis varies in size when flaccid and is pretty consistently about yea big when erect. Anyway, back to the sitcom one-liners and the constant flow of spam.

'Meet hot young singles in your mom's basement today'? Man, screw you, GeoIP.

... okay, but because you said that, we're breaking up.

40% of OpenBSD installs lead to shark attacks. It's their only standing security issue.

The Singularity happened, but not to us.

Also, I hear the 4th root of (9^2 + 19^2/22) is pi.

Sometimes I try to picture what everything would look like if the whole spectrum were compressed into the visible spectrum. Also sometimes I try to picture your sister naked.

Evidence suggests the 1899 transactions occurred as part of a global event centered around a deity associated with the lotus flower.

CVE-2018-?????: It turns out Bruce Schneier is just two mischevious kids in a trenchcoat.

The article has twenty-three citations, one of which is an obscure manuscript from the 1490's and the other twenty-two are arguments on LanguageLog.

Which, at one point, led to a study showing that LSD produces no more hallucinations than a placebo.

Premed: "Does this count for a physics credit? Can we shorten the string so I can get it done faster? And can we do one where it hits me in the face? I gotta do a thing for first aid training right after."

You can still do powerline networking, but the bitrate does drop a little depending on the lightbulb warmup and cooldown delay.

He holds the laptop like that on purpose, to make you cringe.

Hey, why stop at our house? We could burn down ALL these houses for the insurance money.

[As security is dragging me away] "Come on, at least I didn't make the mistake in the other direction!"

Scientists still don't know how marine biologists manage to so consistently bring up whalefall ecosystems, when relevant conversational openings are so few and far between.

According to my especially unsupervised K-means clustering algorithm, there are currently about 8 billion types of people in the world.

This is also one of only five identified situations in which a vuvuzela is actually appropriate.

NO DRAMA ZONE -> If I've made you sad, you'd better not tell me, because I am TERRIFIED of that situation and have NO IDEA how to handle it.

Hang on, we got a call from the feds. They say we can do whatever with him, but the EPA doesn't want that laptop in the ocean. They're sending a team.

To detect dark matter, we just need to build a bird feeder that spins two squirrels around the rim in opposite directions at relativistic speeds and collides them together.

Are you still there, server? It's me, Margaret.

Plus, time's all weird in there, so most of it probably broke down and decomposed hundreds of years ago. Which reminds me, I've been meaning to get in touch with Yucca Mountain to see if they're interested in a partnership.

The misguided search for a perpetual motion machine has run substantially longer than any attempted perpetual motion machine.

He should be better soon -- now that the Apple Store is getting rid of DRM, Cory Doctorow will get rid of his Steve Jobs voodoo doll.

Every age: "I'm glad I'm not the clueless person I was five years ago, but now I don't want to get any older."

Points to anyone who hacks the Flickr devs' computers to make their text editors do this when you click on anything.

The new crowd is heavily shaped by this guy named Eric, who's basically the Paris Hilton of the amateur plastic crazy straw design world.

And a different ghost has replaced me in the bedroom.

'Smilodon fatalis' narrowly edged out 'Tyrannosaurus rex' to win this year's Most Badass Latin Names competition, after edging out 'Dracorex hogwartsia' and 'Stygimoloch spinifer' (meaning 'horned dragon from the river of death') in the semifinals.

But the rules of writing are like magic spells. If you never acquire them, then not using them says nothing.

I always figured you should never bring a gun to a gun fight because then you'll be part of a gun fight.

IATA stands for International AirporT Abbreviation.

It's difficult to orbit L6 stably due to gravitational perturbation from Akron and Toledo.

Building Inspectors HATE This One Weird Trick

"Oh, you're using their Chrome APP, not their Chrome EXTENSION. They're very similar but one handles window creation differently." is a thing I hope I can stop saying soon.

I'm always disappointed when 'Anamorphic Widescreen' doesn't refer to a widescreen Animorphs movie.

"Wait, we've MOVED since 2010. How on Earth did--" "Look, some of us were just born to be champions."

It's a lasing cat-vity!

'--> [ Well, this is embarrassing. ] <--'

I *do* hear that they're the most comfortable thing to wear on your feet since sliced bread.

It's great for exfoliating your skin, bones, houses, cities, landscape, etc.

Created by the collapse of: [massive stars] [Florida limestone bedrock]

It will get within 9 or 10 Sun-diameters of the "bottom" (the Sun's surface) which seems pretty far when you put it that way, but from up here on Earth it's practically all the way down.

Others include "We've incrementally improved the estimate of this coefficient," "Maybe all these categories are wrong," and "We found a way to make student volunteers worse at tasks."

I can't help myself; now I want to read a bunch of thinkpieces from newspapers in Biff's 1985 arguing over whether the growth of the region into a corporate dystopia was inevitable.

'I see you're in this mood again.' 'I am always in this mood.'

When Salvador Dalí died, it took months to get all the flagpoles sufficiently melted.

There's been a raccoon accident at an accordion bacchanalia! Double doses!

June 21st, 365, the date of the big Mediterranean earthquake and tsunami, lived in infamy for a few centuries before fading. Maybe the trick is a catchy rhyme; the '5th of November' thing is still going strong over 400 years later.

'That was definitely not in my top three wishes.' 'Who said anything about YOUR wishes?'

With a good battery, the device can easily last for 5 or 10 years, although the walls probably won't.

ARCTANGENT THETA = ENCHANT AT TARGET

Unstoppable force-carrying particles can't interact with immovable matter by definition.

I have this weird thing where if I don't drink enough water, I start feeling bad and then die of dehydration.

The key to discovering life on Mars is to find someone who built a camera and landed it on Mars. Then you just look through the pictures for plants and dogs and stuff.

10^13.4024: A person who has come back to numbers after a journey deep into some random theoretical field

I wonder what the trendy adults in 2019 who are too cool for Pokemon will be into. Probably Digimon!

'DISPATCHING DRONE TO TARGET COORDINATES.' 'Wait, crap, wrong button. Oh jeez.'

Facebook defines relationships. 'Yeah, we would have broken up last night, but the net connection was down.'

Let me look away and type 'guy who's just jealous that I beat all his MarioKart times' and turn back, and ... yup, there you are again!

This is silly, of course. The enemy will be born in the network.

He was the first person to land a 900, which is especially impressive because pulling off a half-integer spin requires obeying Fermi-Dirac statistics.

Before resurfacing, they promise to inspect the ice for any evidence of hockey-playing life.

It also works for anything you teach someone else to do. "Oh yeah, I trained a pair of neural nets, Emily and Kevin, to respond to support tickets."

I'm not listening to you. I mean, what does a SQUIRREL know about mental health?

In general, avoid exposure to any temperatures, pressures, particle energies, or states of matter that physicists think are neat.

Someday I'll be rich enough to hire Nate Silver to help make all my life decisions. 'Should I sleep with her?' 'Well, I'm showing a 35% chance it will end badly.'

Other high scorers are melt-in-your-hand aluminum-destroying gallium and tritium-powered glowsticks. Lawn darts are toward the other end.

Personally I think mercury is more of a 'wet earth' hybrid element.

IT'S ALL REAL

Once he had the answer, Arrhenius complained to his friends that he'd "wasted over a full year" doing tedious calculations by hand about "so trifling a matter" as hypothetical CO2 concentrations in far-off eras (quoted in Crawford, 1997).

That seems like an awful lot of hassle when all I wanted was a cool sword.

Ugh, it says they attempted delivery but "Nobody was home."

Haunted Halloween masks from a mysterious costume shop that turn you evil and grow into your skin score a surprisingly high 80% filtration efficiency in R. L. Stine-sponsored NIOSH tests.

Astrobiology is held back by the fact that we're all too nervous to try to balance on the ladder while holding an expensive microscope.

Our customers keep sending us their personal information, even though we've repeatedly asked them to stop. The EU told me I'm the heir to some ancient European throne that makes me exempt from the GDPR, but we should probably still try to fix that.

The establishment doesn't take us seriously. You know who else they didn't take seriously? Hitler. I'll be like him, but a GOOD guy instead of...

I'd press on them to try to unstick them, but I can't reach. Can we try cycling day and night really fast?

Starring Macaulay Culkin.

Historians: Contemporaneous documentation of the initial events is often sparse, and in fact people often get testy and uncooperative when we urge better documentation for the historical record.

Never give your password or bank account number to anyone who doesn't have a blue check mark next to their name.

Googling inevitably reveals that my problem is caused by a known bug triggered by doing [the exact combination of things I want to do]. I can fix it, or wait a few years until I don't want that combination of things anymore, using the kitchen timer until then.

Our experimental aerogel iceberg with helium pockets manages true 100% efficiency, barely touching the water, and it can even lift off of the surface and fly to more efficiently pursue fleeing hubristic liners.

My normal approach is useless here, too.

Although bees with tires would be kinda funny.

Water is thinner than both, and fire is *definitely* thicker.

And they choose Al Gore as Internet Secretary.

Not to go all sentence fragment on you.

Ma'am, I admit that wasn't in the best taste, but you have to admire my delivery! Ha ha, get it? Oh God, don't throw those syringes! Your baby's fine!

Dr. Fauci is not permitted to have a cat, because as director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, his petting one would be considered giving aid and comfort to an allergen.

We need some grub to munch--I'll go slouch over to the kitchen.

Geologists claim it's because the earlier Cenozoic used to be called the Tertiary, but that's just a ruse to hide the secret third geologic period, between the Neogene and the Quaternary, that they won't tell us about.

I've decided to score all my conversations using chess win-loss notation. (??)

Roundly-condemned headlinese initiative shuttered indefinitely.

It also occasionally replies with 'Comment of the year', 'Are you for real', and 'I'm taking a screenshot so I can remember this moment forever'.

It's okay, they can figure out which control positions produce scalding water via a trial-and-error feedback loop with a barely-perceptible 10-second lag.

The bunch of disadvantaged kids I was tutoring became too good at writing, and their essays were forcing me to confront painful existential questions, so I started trying to turn them on to drugs and crime instead.

Things are looking good for the eclipse--Nate Silver says Earth will almost definitely still have a moon in August.

I looked up "insanity" in like 10 different dictionaries and none of them said anything like that. Neither did the DSM-4. But I'll keep looking. Maybe it's in the DSM-5!

'Grandpa, what was it like in the Before time?' 'It was hell. People went around saying glass was a slow-flowing liquid. You folks these days don't know how good you have it.'