A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.

Although not permanently.

I'm inside your head and I hate it. Please let me out.

How could you choose avoiding a little pain over understanding a magic lightning machine?

We're going to need to modify the surface to mount it on the test stand. Which ocean basin do you like the least?

Look, recipe, if I knew how much was gonna taste good, I wouldn't need you.

Fun fact: The standard North American NAD83 coordinate system is misaligned from the actual Earth, off-center by about 7 feet. Someone knows where I am, and I'm in the wrong place.

Want to feel old? The 'want to feel old?' factoid meme dates back to around 2011, closer to the Bush/Kerry election than to today.

A new study finds that if you give rats a cell phone and a lever they can push to improve the signal, the rats will chew on the cell phone until it breaks and your research supervisors will start to ask some questions about your grant money.

There are more Trump voters in California than Texas, more Biden voters in Texas than New York, more Trump voters in New York than Ohio, more Biden voters in Ohio than Massachusetts, more Trump voters in Massachusetts than Mississippi, and more Biden voters in Mississippi than Vermont.

Now that airlines have started adding wheel locks to their drink carts, less than half of flights have one accidentally fall out through the hole.

And I can't believe some places still use fax machines. The electrical signals waste so much time going AROUND the Earth when neutrino beams can go straight through!

"So, like, sexy news videos?" "No, people have tried that--it's still just video content. We need to actually inform people THROUGH making out. I would call it 'Mouth Content,' but I think that's already the title of a Neil Cicierega album."

You shouldn't look directly at a partial eclipse because of the damage that can be caused by improperly aligning the solar-lunar orbital plane with the orbital bones around your eye.

They've endowed a separate prize in Physiology or Medicine or Stopping Dr. Adams.

They're up there with coral islands, lightning, and caterpillars turning into butterflies.

Correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while mouthing 'look over there'.

The worst is being teased by responsible, mask-wearing teens. They even spritz the hamster ball with disinfectant before rolling it, carefully avoiding the filter vents.

The penis varies in size when flaccid and is pretty consistently about yea big when erect. Anyway, back to the sitcom one-liners and the constant flow of spam.

No, wait, come back! I want to be friends at you!

The top computer champion at Seven Minutes in Heaven is a Honda-built Realdoll, but to date it has been unable to outperform the human Seven Minutes in Heaven champion, Ken Jennings.

In Dimensional Chess, every move is annotated '?!'.

Oh no, I changed the future and now I'm disappearing! Wait, never mind, it was just my hat slipping down over my eyes.

I know they said this change is permanent, but surely when they hear how much we're complaining someone will find a way to change things back.

$Then we move to phase two. Gas stations store fuel in underground tanks. Normally, these are inaccessible except via the pump. However, with hydraulic fracturing, we-- Wait! Come back!$

Except the people filtering in late are the partiers, so you end up with drunken makeouts in the living room and the next roommate to return home has to sleep in the hall lounge orbital.

Phil Plait once pointed out that you can calculate the total angular area of the sky this way. If the sky is a sphere with radius 57.3 degrees, then its area is 4*pi*r^2=41,253 square degrees. This makes dimensional analysts SO mad, but you can't argue with results.

Can you stop glaring at me like that? It makes me feel really ironic.

Your point that the world contains multiple problems is a real slam-dunk argument against fixing any of them.

Once the lockdown is over, let's all get together and swap starters!

It's a myth that the Great Wall of China is the only human-made structure visible from space--there are LOTS of structures for us to feel self-conscious about!

Our retina display features hundreds of pixels per inch in the central fovea region.

*click* Let him know he's got a stain on his shirt, though.

"Mostly it means that I'm acutely aware that the kid one table over coughed as the server walked past with our food."

If Google Maps stops letting you navigate to (Clay County District) A in West Virginia, you can try Jump, OH -> Ina, IL -> Big Hole, TX.

As the 'exotic animals in homemade aprons hosting baking shows' YouTube craze reached its peak in March 2020, Andrew Cuomo announced he was replacing the Statue of Liberty with a bronze pangolin in a chef's hat.

Hey, when you're done draining the syrup, just leave the hole, okay?

There's also a proof without content of a conjecture without content, but it's left as an exercise for the reader.

I'm not listening to you. I mean, what does a SQUIRREL know about mental health?

Shoot, it landed in the golf course. Gonna be hard to get it down the--oh, never mind, it rolled onto the ice hazard. Face-off!

The math and philosophy people also claim everything, but the astronomers argue that the stuff they study really only comprises a small number of paper surfaces.

"I wish for everything in the world. All the people, money, trees, etc." "Are you SURE you--" "And I want you to put it in my house."

'I don't know, why is your beret staying on your head?' 'Staples.'

I'm not very good at meeting people.

Googling inevitably reveals that my problem is caused by a known bug triggered by doing [the exact combination of things I want to do]. I can fix it, or wait a few years until I don't want that combination of things anymore, using the kitchen timer until then.

The dump also contains a list of millions of prime factors, a 0-day Tamagotchi exploit, and a technique for getting gcc and bash to execute arbitrary code.

P((B|A)|(A|B)) represents the probability that you'll mix up the order of the terms when using Bayesian notation.

The sudden introduction of Venusian flowers led to an explosive growth of unusual Earth pollinators, which became known as the "butterfly effect."

Progress on getting shipwrecked sailors to adopt ICMPv6 has been slow.

That helmet won't save him.

And let's be honest, it's more like two and a half stars. Proxima is barely a star and barely bound to the system.

'Automating' comes from the roots 'auto-' meaning 'self-', and 'mating', meaning 'screwing'.

If long tooltips / cut off for you / then upgrade from / Firefox 2 / Burma Shave

Superman lies near the bird/plane boundary over a range of distances, which explains the confusion.

There are lots of very smart people doing fascinating work on cryptographic voting protocols. We should be funding and encouraging them, and doing all our elections with paper ballots until everyone currently working in that field has retired.

I have this weird thing where if I don't drink enough water, I start feeling bad and then die of dehydration.

I love the idea here, though of course it's not a great-quality drawing or scan.

CVS's pharmacies are fine, but I much prefer their [censored]s.

Astronomy (or "astrology" in British English) is the study of ...

Blatantly banking on customers not understanding that it's like a Hollywood studio advertising that their new movie was 'watched by Roger Ebert'.

Later: 'Why is there a book hovering over the trash can?'

There are two types of dichotomy: False dichotomies, true dichotomies, and surprise trichotomies.

And arguably sunspots, on rare occasions. But even if they count, it takes ideal conditions and you might hurt your eyes.

Bluetooth is actually named for the tenth-century Viking king Harald "Bluetooth" Gormsson, but the protocol developed by Harald was a wireless charging standard unrelated to the modern Bluetooth except by name.

The Earth's five major mass extinctions were the Posh Extinction, the Sporty Extinction, the Scary Extinction, the Ginger Extinction, and the Baby Extinction.

Man, this emo shit was supposed to be for people who didn't have hats.

HACK THE STARS

SOUND DOGS MAKE: [BARKING] [HISSING] [LIGHTSABER NOISES] [FLUENT ENGLISH] [SWEARING]

They're not generally used for crewed spacecraft because astronauts HATE going around the corners.

And to you, I leave my life-sized ice sculpture replica of the Pietà which was blessed by the Pope. You must never let it melt! Now, remember, all gifts must be removed from my estate within 24 hours.

I hear many of you finally have smooth Flash support, but me and my Intel card are still waiting on a kernel patch somewhere in the pipeline before we can watch Jon Stewart smoothly.

I've been trying for a couple years now but I haven't been able to come up with a name dumber than 'Renesmee'.

These are all sans-serif compounds. Serif compounds are dramatically different and usually much more reactive.

The captain has turned on the 'fasten seat belt' sign.

You can also just mash the keyboard at random, but you might end up with a gibberish name no one can pronounce.

(c) You can have a scooter when you pay for it yourself, and (d) if you can't learn to start a new thread rather than responding to an old one, you'll be banned. [thread locked by moderator]

You can identify them ahead-of-time -- they lead with their left foot when the music starts.

Plus, when someone finally grabs your glasses and stomps on them, it costs way less than $1,500 to replace them.

I asked them if it was safe to be running tours during the pandemic. They said, "During the what?"

At one point, by force of childhood habit, the doctor accidentally removed three or four organs.

We've almost finished constructing the piña collider.

Or that I'm at least following the curve of the Earth around to land ...

In fact, draw all your rotational matrices sideways. Your professors will love it! And then they'll go home and shrink.

Hey, why stop at our house? We could burn down ALL these houses for the insurance money.

I need an extension for my research project because I spent all month trying to figure out whether learning Dvorak would help me type it faster.

For a thousand generations we vowed never to forget how his soldiers feasted on our brother Stephen.

I still don't understand why the Sun paid the extra money for Transitions lenses.

Someday I'll be rich enough to hire Nate Silver to help make all my life decisions. 'Should I sleep with her?' 'Well, I'm showing a 35% chance it will end badly.'

Oh, your brother is Luke. Sorry, should've mentioned that first.

'Dude, wait -- I'm not American! So my risk is basically zero!'

The 95% confidence interval suggests Rexthor's dog could also be a cat, or possibly a teapot.

Once you see it, you can't help seeing it every time. Until your body finishes metabolizing the mushrooms.

Anna Karenina is a happy family lumper and unhappy family splitter.

'So how DID you go from working at the employment records office to becoming president of MIT and CEO of IBM?' 'I guess I just have an eye for opportunities.'

I also managed to improve the solution for n=1 to s<0.97, and with some upgrades I think I can hit 0.96.

It's possible to do sea navigation without a compass, but you'll have to get some spoilers from the Polynesians.

Some other studio should do the Antz/A Bug's Life thing and release The Dingbats Movie at the same time.

Personally I think mercury is more of a 'wet earth' hybrid element.

'Wow, that must be why you swallow so many of them per year!' 'No, that's spiders. You swallow WAY more ants.'

The Greeks long suspected this, but it wasn't until April 12th of 1882 that Ferdinand von Lindemann conclusively proved it when he constructed himself the most awesome birthday party possible and nobody showed up.

Briefly set a new record for tallest human-made structure by getting my knit sweater snagged on the skydiving plane door as I jumped and not noticing until I'd landed.

"Want to feel old?" "Yes."

'Barack Obama is much less likely than the average cat to jump in and out of cardboard boxes for fun' is low precision, but I'm not sure about the accuracy.

One of these days me and Joey Comeau will get around to subverting the hetero-normative paradigm and fixing all this.

Does it get taller first and then widen, or does it reach full width before getting taller, or alternate, or what?

I tried uploading it to a household appliance porn site I found, but apparently their content is limited to only fans.

Mmmm, this is such a positive experience! I feel no social pressure to enjoy it at all!

The only one of these games I really played was Area 51

Depending what corners of the internet you hang out on, 'regular' may at times awkwardly coexist with 'sexy.'

I was actually a little relieved when I learned that JPEG2000 was used in the DCI digital cinema standard. I was feeling so bad for it!

Is he ALSO wondering at what point our thoughts diverged, if they even have yet? 'dude, I think he just took your credit card' AM I THE ORIGINAL? HOW DO I TELL?

'The light from those millions of stars you see is probably many thousands of years old' is a rare example of laypeople substantially OVERestimating astronomical numbers.

I found an old tape of this episode in my family's closet. Check the news section of the forums to see the clip!

'Baby Got Back' turned 20 this year. My favorite nostalgia show is VH1's 'I Love The Inexorable March of Time Toward the Grave That Awaits Us All.'

Mathematicians quickly determined that it spells ANT BNECN, an unusual theoretical dish which was not successfully cooked until Andrew Wiles made it for breakfast in the 1990s.

Are Your Teens Practicing Amplexus? Learn These Six Telltale Signs!

I favor approval voting or IRV chiefly because they mean we might get to bring back The Bull Moose party.

Charlie actually delivered the Medicare line almost verbatim in the 1971 movie's Fizzy Lifting Drink scene, but it was ultimately cut from the final release.

I don't even *want* this package! Why did I join the stinging insect of the month club, anyway?

If you ever see someone using a capital xi in an equation, just observe them quietly to learn as much as you can before they return to their home planet.

Placeble 228 x/6n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜

You know that asteroid that almost destroyed Earth in the 90s? Turns out the whole thing was secretly created by Michael Bay, who then PAID Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck to look heroic while blowing it up!

Don't forget to add another term for "probability that the Modified Bayes' Theorem is correct."

The misguided search for a perpetual motion machine has run substantially longer than any attempted perpetual motion machine.

At first, I moved from pokémon posters to regular oil paintings, but then these really grumpy and unreasonable detectives from the Louvre showed up and took them all. They wouldn't even give me back my thumbtacks!

Doing great here in the sixth and hopefully final year of the 2016 election.

Unstoppable force-carrying particles can't interact with immovable matter by definition.

The best hugs are probably from hagfish, which can extrude microscopic filaments that convert a huge volume of water around them to slime in seconds. Instant cozy blanket!

NASA prefers to say that their rovers are 'looking for signs of past life on Mars' and not 'ghost hunting.'

SPIDER PSYCHOLOGY (21st Ed.) is a comprehensive overview of arachnoneurology, neuro-arachnology, forensic arachnology, neuro-arachnoneurology (the study of the brains of spider neurology experts), and arachnoarachnology (the study of too many spiders).

Merge branch 'asdfasjkfdlas/alkdjf' into sdkjfls-final

I hear this is an option in the latest Ubuntu release.

I can't get over the suspicion that all those viral pictures are photoshopped and 'Flemish' belongs in the lower right circle.

Opening dialogue by Scott

Strip originally conceived in conversation with Jeph Jacques. Soon to be a major motion picture.

In the off-seasons, I hire an animal trainer to help confront secret agents with situations which they are unable to report by radio.

The number one rule of string manipulation is that youâ€™ve got to specify your encodings.

Socrates could've saved himself a lot of trouble if he'd just brought a flashlight, tranquilizer gun, and a bunch of rescue harnesses.

"Mr. President, what if the unthinkable happens? What if the launch goes wrong, and Napoleon is not stranded on the Moon?" "Have Safire write up a speech."

In the aviation world, they don't use AM/PM times. Instead, all times are assumed to be AM unless they're labeled NOTAM.

Was this your car? [looping 'image loading' animation]

Disney lore: Canonically, because of how Elsa's abiogenesis powers work, Olaf is an RNA-only organism.

The Street View van isn't going to find out anything Google won't already know from reading my email.

We'll turn the asteroid belt into ball bearings to go between different rings orbiting at different speeds.

That cat has some serious periodic components

This also guarantees he won't be one of the ones to get a bobcat.

In addition to 'squishy', after reviewing my submitted intraplate ground motion data, the National Geodetic Survey has politely asked me to stop using the word 'supple' so often when describing Midwestern states.

I'd like to see more damage assessments for hurricanes hitting New York and flooding Manhattan -- something like the 1938 Long Island Express, but aimed a bit more to the west. It's just a matter of time.

Ultimately, history would imperfectly record the story of the Foal of Troy.

The most rare, top-tier eclipse photo would be the Solar Earth Eclipse, but the Apollo 12 crew's attempt to capture it was marred by camera shake. They said it looked spectacular, though.

Once, long ago, I saw this girl go by. I didn't stop and talk to her, and I've regretted it ever since.

A God who holds the world record for eating the most skateboards is greater than a God who does not hold that record.

If you don't get this one, don't google it.

'Oh yeah? Give me 50 milliscore reasons why I should stop.'

Scientists still don't know how marine biologists manage to so consistently bring up whalefall ecosystems, when relevant conversational openings are so few and far between.

The Lord of the Rings sequel, set years after the Ring hubbub has died down, is just Samwise discreetly creeping back to Bag End to finish dropping the eaves.

My competitors say the tiny single tiny caster is unsafe, unstable, and offers no advantages over traditional designs, to which I say: wow, why are you guys so mean? I thought we were friends!

While there's no formal regulation, it turns out their industry group is NOT one you want mad at you.

"We can do 0.33 or 0.34, but our payroll software doesn't allow us to--" "NO DEAL."

'At least humans are better at quietly amusing ourselves, oblivious to our pending obsolescence' thought the human, as a nearby Dell Inspiron contentedly displayed the same bouncing geometric shape screensaver it had been running for years.

This isn't an informational illustration; this is a thing I think we should do. First, we'll need a gigantic spool of thread. Next, we'll need some kind of ... hmm, time to head to Seattle.

If you see two numbers but they're both the same and you have to squint to read them, you have synesthesia, colorblindness, diplopia, and myopia.

Even governmental elevator inspectors get bored halfway through asking where the building office is.

A tattoo of a tattoo parlor receipt

On the plus side, we definitely killed that cancer over there, even if we caused a bunch more everywhere else.

This scavenger hunt is getting boring. Let's go work on the treehouse!

I guess if she accepted irrational realities, she'd hardly be my fantasy.

I'll concede ergonomics anecdotally, but none of the studies of Dvorak were at all rigorous (the most-cited Navy study was overseen by Dvorak himself). And the 'slow typists down' thing is a myth. Also EMACS RULES VI DROOLS WOOOOOOO!

First comes blood / Then we perish / Then comes Death in his Eternity Carriage.

The projection does a good job preserving both distance and azimuth, at the cost of really exaggerating how many South Americas there are.

Hang on, I just remembered another thing I'm right about. See...

Can this PLEASE be drawing with replacement?

If you find and stop the video, but you've--against all odds--gotten curious about the trade summit, just leave the tab opened. It will mysteriously start playing again 30 minutes later!

I found a counterexample to the claim that all things must someday die, but I don't know how to show it to anyone.

Fortunately, the internet has a virtually inexhaustible supply of code that doesn't work and people who are wrong, which bodes well for a return to normalcy. [Note: Click to read context for the cancer comics. She's doing well.]

PYTHON FLAG ENABLE THREE LAWS

This is also one of only five identified situations in which a vuvuzela is actually appropriate.

YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Sure, you could just ask, but this also takes care of the host gift thing.

It ships with a version of Google Now that alerts you when it's too late to leave for your appointments.

It's cool how, when there's a number lots of people are curious about, but which isn't easy to measure, some random guess will get cited everywhere and become the universally quoted value. Unrelatedly, did you know there are 850 trillion waves in the ocean?

’"‘”’" means "I edited this text on both my phone and my laptop before sending it"

"So what's dark energy?" "Cosmologists and the FDA are both trying very hard to find out."

Mathematicians give a third answer on the vertical axis, "That question is poorly defined, but we have a sub-field devoted to every plausible version of it."

Asbestos is bad; definitely get the one on the right. Wait -- this one over here has no swine flu! Now I can't decide.

People may complain about readability, but even with jpeg compression, extracting the data points is usually computationally feasible if there aren't too many of them.

Why would anyone ever, ever say that? Please, nobody ever say that.

I mean, what's more likely -- that I have uncovered fundamental flaws in this field that no one in it has ever thought about, or that I need to read a little more? Hint: it's the one that involves less work.

Force-choking the chicken.

Listen, you need to get over your reluctance to permanently alter a game. Now roll 2d6 to determine how many ounces of soda to spill into the box.

And from that day on, I wore this little 'F' key pendant everywhere I went.

I'm so glad NASA let you take your phone to Mars!

This was actually wish #406. Wish #2 was for him to lose the ability to remember that each new wish wasn't my first.

Careful mathematical analysis demonstrates small-scale irregularities in Gaussian distribution

'Hey, what are those futuristic goggles for, anyway?' 'Oh, this is just a broken Google Glass. It was 2010's night at the club.'

Gödel should do an article on which branches of math have the lowest average theorem number.

For smaller numbers he has to SAVE lives. The birthrate channel is even more of a mixed bag.

The same goes for the one where you're wrestling the Green Ranger in the swimming pool full of Crisco. You guys all have that dream, right? It's not just me. Right?

Wow, that's less than $200 per ... uh ... that's a good deal!

Asimov's Cosmic AC was created by linking all datacenters through hyperspace, which explains a lot. It didn't reverse entropy--it just discarded the universe when it reached end-of-life and ordered a new one.

Small print: this schedule will eventually drive one stark raving mad.

You can just see his dejection as he realizes he's the lead guitar in 'Hedgeclipper'

The LINACs in the glasses frames can barely manage one MeV. You should've gone to the screening at CERN.

'I was pretty good at skeet shooting, but was eventually kicked off the range for catching the clay pigeons in a net and dispatching them execution-style.'

Bruce Schneier believes safewords are fundamentally insecure and recommends that you ask your partner to stop via public key signature.

He should be better soon -- now that the Apple Store is getting rid of DRM, Cory Doctorow will get rid of his Steve Jobs voodoo doll.

I wish I'd missed you then so I wouldn't be missing you now

I didn't even know I *had* the Monty Python 'Lumberjack' song.

No one show this to Tycho's wife, okay?

My resonant tunneling diode phone has limited range but a short enough wavelength to penetrate even the densest cages. This gives me a major combat advantage, hopefully.

No, YOU stumble past a series of post-breakup hookups in a daze as you slowly realize what you've lost and how unlikely you are ever to get it back first.

I just spent 20 minutes deciding whether to start an email with 'Hi' or 'Hey', so I think it transferred correctly.

When you get to hell, tell smallpox we say hello.

'Am I taking care of you? I have a thesis to write!' 'My parents are at their house; you visited last--' 'No, no, explain like you're five.'

WARNING: PEOPLE NAMED EVE ARE PROHIBITED FROM INSTALLING THIS APP!

Even with a blank map, a lot of people can only name 45-50 of the 64 states.

Kenneth Arrow hated me because the ordering of my preferences changes based on which voting systems have what level of support. But it tells me a lot about the people I'm going to be voting with!

I'm the Philosopher until someone hands me a burrito.

There are so many well-meaning conservatives around here who just assume global warming is only presented as a moral issue for political reasons.

"Measure zero times, cut zero times." --carpenter who has achieved enlightenment and realized the wood is fine where it is

The typical internet user (who wants to share) has an IQ of 147 and a 9-inch penis. Well, better than the reverse, I guess.

It's like the traveling salesman problem, but the endpoints are different and you can't ask your friends for help because they're sitting three seats down.

Gonna feel even dumber when I realize that all this time he's been talking into a bluetooth thingy and we're not actually friends.

Feynman recounted another good one upperclassmen would use on freshmen physics students: When you look at words in a mirror, how come they're reversed left to right but not top to bottom? What's special about the horizontal axis?

Each particle also has a password which allows its properties to be changed, but the cosmic censorship hypothesis suggests we can never observe the password itself—only its secure hash.

You didn't run a chemical analysis against the Shroud of Turin? Man, all that work for NOTHING.

If so great a deductive mind as Arthur Conan Doyle can be fooled by the Cottingley Deepfakes, what chance do we mortals have? Soon our very reality will be dictated by the whims of Frances (9) and Elsie (16).

The bruises on my fingertips are my proof of work.

Thank you for making me feel less alone.

Instead of bobcat, package contained chair.

Some lava around the piercing site is normal, but keep an eye out for spreading earthquakes and eruptive activity that might indicate rifting.

Supercollider? I 'ardly know 'er!

Telescopes and bathyscaphes and sonar probes of Scottish lakes, Tacoma Narrows bridge collapse explained with abstract phase-space maps, some x-ray slides, a music score, Minard's Napoleonic war: the most exciting new frontier is charting what's already here.

He probably just poops over the side of the sleigh.

Facebook, Apple, and Google all got away with their monopolist power grabs because they don't have any 'S's in their names for critics to snarkily replace with '$'s.

Any time I misspell a word it's just because I have too much integrity to copy answers from the dictionary.

The tumbleweed then tried to roll off into the sunset, but due to the Old West's placement north of the subtropical ridge, the prevailing winds were in the wrong direction.

fMRI testing showed that subjects who don't agree to participate are much more likely to escape from the machine mid-scan.

That's a gneiss butte.

By my count, only 48 of the 158 minutes in Live Free or Die Hard have action. That's pathetic, guys. Crank is better, but needs a bigger budget and more Summer Glau.

BREAKING: Senator's bold pro-podium stand leads to primary challenge from prescriptivist base.

Last-minute course change: Let's see if we can hit Steve's house.

For the sake of simplicity, gardeners are assumed to move through Euclidean space--neglecting the distortion from general relativity--unless they are in the vicinity of a Schwarzschild Orchid.

We need a special holiday to honor the countless kind souls with unsecured networks named 'linksys'.

It's okay, they can figure out which control positions produce scalding water via a trial-and-error feedback loop with a barely-perceptible 10-second lag.

Not to be confused with Serious PuTTY, the Windows terminal client where everything is in Impact.

I'M SORRY, FROM YOUR YEARS OF CONDESCENDING TOWARD THE 'SQUISHY SCIENCES', I ASSUMED YOU'D BE A LITTLE HARDER.

Juraaaassic Park, Juraaaassic Park, God shed his grace on theeeee

The Pioneer anomaly is due to the force of my love.

Their biggest mistake was bringing Rachael Ray and Emeril to tour the lab and sign off on the project. That's when Spielberg caught wind of it.

Using a classic Timothy Zahn EU/Legends novel is bad enough, but at least the style and setting aren't too far off. If you really want to mess with people, try using Splinter of the Mind's Eye.

Somewhere in the world, my actual grandmothers are reading this and angrily exclaiming that I never write even malformed thank-you notes. DEAR GRANDMOMS: I AM SORRY! YOU ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE AND THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. LOVE reddit.com RANDALL.

If I get a Wii, it will be the first game console I've owned.

Though I do think the tiny vent on one of the boosters labeled "O-RING" is in poor taste.

A schism between the pro-panhandle and anti-panhandle factions eventually led to war, but both sides spent too much time working on their flag designs to actually do much fighting.

Despite it being imaginary, I already have SUCH a strong opinion on the cord-switch firing incident.

Excited to vote for future presidents Bill Eisenhamper, Amy Forb, Ethan Obample, and Abigail Washingtoast.

Oh right, eye contact. Ok, good, holding the eye contact ... holding ... still holding ... ok, too long! Getting weird! Quick, look thoughtfully into space and nod. Oh, dammit, said 'yeah' again!

There's data suggesting that this model may apply to deep-dish/thin-crust pizza. I've designed a thorough multi-year study to investigate this personally, but funding organizations keep denying my grant requests.

Kids are genetic experiments. We're just experimenting responsibly!

People keep telling me to use the radio but I really hate making voice calls.

And she's gonna feel like a jerk when she realizes it was actually Under Pressure.

Technically, both cars are haunted, but the murder ghosts can't stand listening to the broken GPS for more than a few minutes.

I *do* hear that they're the most comfortable thing to wear on your feet since sliced bread.

Best trivia I learned while working on this: 'Man, Farmville is so huge! Do you realize it's the second-biggest browser-based social-networking-centered farming game in the WORLD?' Then you wait for the listener to do a double-take.

[after typing 1,500 words on feathered dinosaurs, paleontology, sexism, lava, and dinosaurs as animals rather than movie monsters] Sorry to cut it short, I'm on my phone. When I'm back at a keyboard, I can give you another 5,000 words.

Each quarter of the lanes from left to right correspond loosely to breast cancer stages one through four (at diagnosis).

People keep trying to come up with reasons that we should worry about the magnetic field collapsing or reversing, but honestly I think it's fine. Whatever minor problems it causes will be made up for by the mid-latitude auroras.

The most delicious exotic fruit discovered this way is the strawberry banana. Sadly, it's only stable in puree form, so it's currently limited to yogurt and smoothies, but they're building a massive collider in Europe to search for a strawberry banana that can be eaten whole.

Do I get to remove letters entirely? Or just rearrange them? Because the 'k/c' situation is ridiculous. Look, we can make out whenever. This is *immortality*!

The government has been trying to sell off the Federal Helium Reserve for a few years now, but the sale has been on hold while they try to figure out how to explain this situation to buyers.

Of course in reality this is just a US/UK thing; in British English, 'fall' is the brief period in between and 'autumn' is the main season.

The mainstream dogma sparked a wave of dogmatic revisionism, and this revisionist mainstream dogmatism has now given way to a more rematic mainvisionist dogstream.

I THINK EVERYONE INVOLVED HERE IS CUTE.

Tonight's top story: Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, died in his home this morning at the age of [unintelligible rune]. Due to the large number of sharks inhabiting his former kingdom, no body could be recovered.

Using a ring to bind someone you covet into your dark and twisted world? Wow, just got the subtext there. Also, the apparently eager Beyoncé would've made one badass Nazgȗl.

When putting his kids to bed, after saying 'Goodnight', Obama has to stop himself from saying 'God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.'

Someone get that Pachelbel's Canon kid a recording contract, stat.

For the IPv6 map just imagine the XP default desktop picture.

The problems started with my resolution next year to reject temporal causality.

Worries assuaged, the numbers become less important than your touches.

The worst part is when sidewalk cracks are out-of-sync with your natural stride.

"Okay, that was weird, but the product reveal was normal. I think the danger is pas--" "One more thing." "Oh no."

When we started distributing special status tokens that signify which people are important enough to join an elite group, we never could have imagined we might be creating some problems down the line.

Ingress: Foursquare With Space Noises.

If you've never had sex, this is what it feels like. Complete with the brief feeling of satisfaction, followed by ennui, followed by getting bored and trying to make it happen again.

Cosmologists estimate the spaghetti strand to be about 200 septillion calories, though it could be higher depending on the nutritional value of dark matter.

Achilles was a mighty warrior, but his Achilles' heel was his heel.

I'm glad this is so much fun because I'm not sure how we're getting down.

Ants have reverse chemtrails--regular citizens spraying chemicals everywhere they go to control the government.

"This one is perfect in every way, except that for some reason it's woven from a tungsten mesh, so it weighs 85 pounds and I'll need to carry it around on a hand cart." "That seems like a bad--" "BUT IT HAS THE PERFECT POCKET ARRANGEMENT!"

'Yeah, that squid's a total asshole.' [scoot scoot]

Joke's on you--the Roomba and I had a LOVELY evening.

As far as I can tell, Navajo doesn't have a common word for 'zero'. do-neh-lini means 'neutral'.

Or so I hope?

Ground-pole-ball-pole can be fun if you shake the first pole to get the second one whipping around dangerously, but the ball at the joint gets torn apart pretty fast.

Thomas Jefferson thought that every law and every constitution should be torn down and rewritten from scratch every nineteen years--which means X is overdue.

Guest comic by Jeph Jacques of Questionable Content, whose internal monologue hasn't been speaking to him for the past three years.

IT'S ALL REAL

The other two are still lost on the infinite plane of uniform density.

Dear Wiccan readers: I understand modern Wiccans are not usually all about the curses and hexes. But Darth Vader was recently converted from Episcopalianism and he's still figuring it all out.

From Google Trends, it looks like the lag between people Googling cocktail recipes and 'hangover cure' is 14 hours.

Are you the annoying spoon or the sleepy spoon?

As far as "being in the pocket of Big Egg" goes, I think the real threat is Chansey.

Whenever I see a picture of the moon where the points go more than halfway around, I assume it's being eclipsed by one of those Independence Day ships and interpret the rest of the image in light of that.

I'm trying to share my footage of the full run to prove it's not tool-assisted, but the uploader has problems with video lengths of more than a decade.

I don't understand why anyone would pay full price for a flatbed truck rental when you can buy 'DETOUR' signs online for like $10.

'Hey! Put her down!' 'No, it's ok! The next chance for me to be carried to a blood cauldron isn't until 2024!'

Every time we detect an asteroid from outside the Solar System, we should immediately launch a mission to fling one of our asteroids back in the direction it came from.

He also broke the streak that incumbents with websites are unbeatable and Delawareans can't win, creating a new precedent: Only someone from Delaware can defeat an incumbent with a website.

Maybe I should've tried Wexler?

==COSMOLOGY==> 'Uhhh ... how sure are we that everything is made of these?'

Since buns range from crepuscular to nocturnal, it's recommended that you enable the scheduled "Do Not Disturb" mode on your phone to avoid being woken by alerts about Night Buns.

Though they do appreciate how much he improved the heating system for the flame pit.

There are a lot of books on marketing out there. I wonder if you're safest just buying the most popular one.

We never see any time travelers because they all discover it's a huge mistake. This is also why your friend at the lab suddenly looked about a year older recently.

[after a minute] "Okay, I think I've got it, thanks. Can I--" "oOOOooOOooo!"

If physics had a mafia, I'm pretty sure the BICEP2 mess would have ended in bloodshed.

Aaron Sorkin has been tapped to write the TV movie about the aging prince's eventual election to Pat Toomey's Senate seat, currently titled either 'FRESHman Senator' or 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington'.

Staple guns: because duct tape can't make that 'kaCHUNK' noise.

You have to be careful doing this. Sometimes, when you push the whisker down, dynamite explodes.

Maybe we should give up on the whole idea of a 'back' button. 'Show me that thing I was looking at a moment ago' might just be too complicated an idea for the modern web.

"That last LinkedIn request set a new record for the most energetic physical event ever observed. Maybe we should respond." "Nah."

Listen, in a few thousand years you'll invent a game called 'SimCity' which has a 'disaster' button, and then you'll understand.

Anyone else watching this Youtube video in 1954? If so, my last trip definitely messed with the timeline.

Corollary to Hofstadter's Law: Every minute you spend thinking about Hofstadter's Law is a minute you're NOT WORKING AND WILL NEVER FINISH! PAAAAAANIIIIIIC!

I always felt like what the 'you are now aware of your tongue' thing needed in order to be truly enjoyable was an element of mortal peril.

A helicopter bursts from a chrysalis and alights on a rock, rotors still damp.

Under quantum tax law, photons sent through a beamsplitter don't actually choose which path they took, or incur a tax burden, until their wavefunction collapses when the power is sold.

It's believed to be related to the Stellar Sea Cow.

PHARAOH IRY-HOR, FROM THE 3100s BC, IS THE FIRST HUMAN WHOSE NAME WE KNOW.

Conveniently for everyone, it turns out that dark energy is produced by subterranean parasitoid wasps.

They try to pad their numbers in the annual reports by counting Galileo's redundant systems as multiple computers, but they're falling behind badly either way.

The research was overseen by the Institutional Review Board, which is what I named my surfboard.

Things are rarely just crazy enough to work, but they're frequently just crazy enough to fail hilariously.

People looking for the gaps in our understanding where the meaning of consciousness or free will might hide often turn to quantum uncertainty or infinite cosmologies, as if we don't have breathtakingly complex emergent phenomena right there in our freezers.

WHY DON'T YOU COME HANG OUT INSIDE MY HOUSE. WE CAN COOK BREAD AND CHAT ABOUT OUR INTERNAL SKELETONS.

Last week, we busted the myth that electroweak gauge symmetry is broken by the Higgs mechanism. We'll also examine the existence of God and whether true love exists.

If that fails, just multiply every number by a thousand. 'The 2nd St speed limit should be set at 25,000 mph, which would likely have prevented 1,000 of the intersection's 3,000 serious accidents last month.'

And it doesn't pop up a box every time asking you to use your real name. In fact, there's no way to set your name at all. You just have to keep reminding people who you are.

If history has taught us anything, we can use that information to destroy it.

He continued, 'Okay, Bernanke is uncontaminated. Find a crossbow and get him into position behind one of the columns at the Fed entrance. This is gonna get ugly.'

Your homeowner's insurance might cover it, but be sure to check the subductible.

Tired of waiting on hold? Use our website to chat with one of our live agents, who are available to produce words at you 24/7!

100he100k out th1s 1nno5at4e str1ng en100o501ng 15e been 500e5e50op1ng! 1t's 6rtua100y perfe100t! ...hang on, what's a "virtuacy"?

I understand it's hard to do more than 300 feet on these 90-second rush jobs, but with a smaller ramp I'm worried the gee forces will be too high for me to do any tricks.

I think I see a Mandelbrot set! No, that's just blood splatters. Golly.

Screw these 36-degree angles. I'm converting to Judaism.

It's so sad how almost no one alive today can remember seeing the galactic rainbow, the insanity nebula, or the skull and glowing eyes of the Destroyer of Sagittarius.

I spent more time trying to get an audible.com audio book playing than it took to listen to the book. I have lost every other piece of DRM-locked music I have paid for.

When an Ur guy / sells Nanni things / but the copper's bad, / He simply records his complaint for all time / "I got a bad deal / I'm maaaaad"

CVE-2018-?????: It turns out Bruce Schneier is just two mischevious kids in a trenchcoat.

Anyone who says that they're great at communicating but 'people are bad at listening' is confused about how communication works.

I wonder what the trendy adults in 2019 who are too cool for Pokemon will be into. Probably Digimon!

Everything is a cloud application; the ping times just vary a lot.

I remember trying to log in to the original Command and Conquer servers a year or two back and feeling like I was knocking on the boarded-up gates of a ghost town.

According to my especially unsupervised K-means clustering algorithm, there are currently about 8 billion types of people in the world.

Positive vibes/longitudes only

This message brought to you by the Society of Astronomers Trapped on the Surface of a Sphere.

I hate when people take photos of their meal instead of eating it, because there's nothing I love more than the sound of other people chewing.

This one is a little bland. Pass the saltshaker?

After a lot of analysis, I've determined that they're actually big red dots; they're just very far away.

The Doppler effect is a mysterious wavelength-shifting phenomenon which seems to primarily affect sirens, which is why the 🚨 emoji is red.

Employment statistics have to correct for the fact that the Weird Bug Hotline hires on a bunch of extra temporary staff every 17 years.

They say it's probably safe to keep orbiting for a while, but if it stays on or starts flashing we might have to call someone.

It's a real accomplishment to mess up a ravioli recipe badly enough that the resulting incident touches all four quadrants of the NFPA hazard diamond.

Someone's probably working on an eBook app where, if you stop reading right before some plot twist happens, the app will wait a while and then send you a breaking news alert about what's happening, prompting you to open it and read the next few pages to learn more.

Roger Ebert once called you directionless and unwatchable.

I didn't even realize they MADE a novelization of "Surf Ninjas." How did you-- Oh my god, it's signed by the author?!

James suggested this, and I have to agree. It'd be much worse.

If the dysentery graph looks historically inaccurate it's because I got all my data from Oregon Trail.

She won the first half of all our chemo Scrabble games, but then her IV drugs started kicking in and I *dominated*.

They may technically have been softwoods at some point, but they definitely aren't now.

If you hold the meteor too long, it may imprint on you and form a contact binary, making reintroduction to space difficult.

They'd use that Futurama episode with Fry's dog, but even spambots cry at that.

There was no alt-text until you moused over

Hi, I'm your new meteorologist and a former software developer. Hey, when we say 12pm, does that mean the hour from 12pm to 1pm, or the hour centered on 12pm? Or is it a snapshot at 12:00 exactly? Because our 24-hour forecast has midnight at both ends, and I'm worried we have an off-by-one error.

DEPARTMENT OF NEUROSCIENCE / Motto: "If I hear the phrase 'mirror neurons' I swear to God I will flip this table."

If my country ever picks a new national flag, this is on my shortlist for designs to argue for, but I think in the end I'll go with the green puzzle piece or broken image thumbnail.

Lifehacking!

In fact, one of the boxes is full of Staphylococcus. The wrapping paper is coated in E. coli, though, so it's an understandable mistake. You know, we should really stop accepting gifts from that guy.

We understand your privacy concerns; be assured that our phones will never store or transmit images of your face.

Well, the kid's definitely getting the biology geek phenotype.

Hell if I know

Great, and you JUST finished paying off the settlement over the Wayne Coyne hamster ball incident.

You should start giving out 'E's so I can spell FACADE or DEFACED.

Kind of rude of them to simultaneously issue an EVACUATION - IMMEDIATE alert, a SHELTER IN PLACE alert, and a 911 TELEPHONE OUTAGE alert.

Well, *I* think I'm real. Look at me. Look at my face. Cut me and I'll bleed. What more do you want? Please don't go.

When Guitar Hero 2 comes out I'll have fresh conversational material for MONTHS.

The increasing number of graham crackers and chocolate bars in orbit has created a growing risk of Kessler s'mores.

A hydroelectric dam is also known as a heavy water reactor.

I'm really worried Christopher Nolan will kill a man dressed like a bat in his next movie. (The man will be dressed like a bat, I mean. Christopher Nolan won't be, probably.)

This is silly, of course. The enemy will be born in the network.

On the other hand, it took us embarrassingly long to clue in to the lung cancer/cigarette thing, so I guess the real lesson is "figuring out which ideas are true is hard."

Sounds fine. I looked up the Academy, and it says on their MySpace page that their journal is peer-viewed and downloaded biannually.

I hate the unearthly sound my phone makes when the weather service issues a tornado harbinger.

My connection to it goes way back, to my early days, when I was just a cloud of primordial hydrogen collapsing in the darkness of space.

I could type this into a solver, which MIGHT help, but would also mean I have to get a lot of parentheses right...

'Guys? The Town is supposed to be good, and I thou--' 'PHYSICIST STEPHEN HAWKING DECLARES NEW FILM BEST IN ALL SPACE AND TIME' 'No, I just heard that--' 'SHOULD SCIENCE PLAY A ROLE IN JUDGING BEN AFFLECK?' 'I don't think--' 'WHAT ABOUT MATT DAMON?'

"Technically that sentence started with 'well', so--" "Ooh, a rock with a fossil in it!"

A childhood spent walking while reading books has prepared me unexpectedly well for today's world.