A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.

Maybe I should've tried Wexler?

Quick, fashion a climbing harness out of cat-6 cable and follow me down.

Cue angry letters from all seven fans of Xenocide.

We actually stand around the antivirus displays with the Mac users just waiting for someone to ask.

I'm trying to buy a gravitational lens for my camera, but I can't tell if the manufacturers are listing comoving focal length or proper focal length.

It's important to make sure your analysis destroys as much information as it produces.

Unfortunately, my scheme to trick NASA has now taken over a decade longer than planned and has run way over budget.

Ooh, another one. Uh ... the ability to alter any coefficients of friction at will during sporting events.

"Sir, it looked really cool." "Oh no--prestige TV. Okay, which of you has a terrible secret that's being slowly revealed to the audience through flashbacks? Just spit it out so we can escape this arc!"

This only makes it more urgent that we adopt my roadmap for the next 10 years, which should put us solidly in the lead.

A video can have a log scale that's misaligned with both the time AND space axes.

I've been trying for a couple years now but I haven't been able to come up with a name dumber than 'Renesmee'.

zo'o ta jitfa .i .e'o xu do pendo mi

High-speed collisions at the Baby Park track may support the hypothesis that Daisy is her own evil twin, a theory first suggested by Nintendo in the game Majorana's Mask.

The installation of the pipes on the inside of the insulation can be challenging, especially when the neighbor could come home at any minute.

All music is just performances of 4'33" in studios where another band happened to be playing at the time.

Okay, now just as the loss hits him, slam on the brakes.

I mean, half of these are undefined. And your multiplication dots are too low; they look like decimal points.

"Of these four forces, there's one we don't really understand." "Is it the weak force or the strong--" "It's gravity."

"Oh, and our computers all have cameras now, which is nice during the pandemic lockdowns." "The WHAT."

"Sorry, doctor, I'm going to have to come in on a different day--I have another appointment that would be really hard to move, in terms of the kinetic energy requirements."

Use your mouse or fingers to pan + zoom. To edit the map, submit your ballot on November 6th.

"Ugh, TMI." "Yeah, that's some tantalizing meat info."

Wikipedia path: Virus -> Immune system -> Innate immune system -> Parasites -> List of parasites of humans -> Naegleria fowleri -> Primary amoebic meningoencephalitis -> Deciding I DEFINITELY shouldn't connect an aquarium pump to my sinuses

To whoever typed 'why is arwen dying': GOOD. FUCKING. QUESTION.

The projection's north pole is in a small lake on the island of Mahé in the Seychelles, which is off the top of the map and larger than the rest of the Earth's land area combined.

I want this engraved on my tombstone like the Epitaph of Stevinus.

The henchmen Bebop and Rocksteady have hijacked the musical genres for us just like the Lone Ranger hijacked the William Tell Overture for our parents.

'So we just have a steady flow of metal piling up in our server room? Isn't that a problem?' 'Yeah, you should bring that up at our next bismuth meeting.'

Under quantum tax law, photons sent through a beamsplitter don't actually choose which path they took, or incur a tax burden, until their wavefunction collapses when the power is sold.

Sometimes I'm terrified to realize how many options other people have.

When we started distributing special status tokens that signify which people are important enough to join an elite group, we never could have imagined we might be creating some problems down the line.

Poisson distributions have no value over negative numbers

We can ask the Earl for his order once he's fully extruded from the dispenser.

The article has twenty-three citations, one of which is an obscure manuscript from the 1490's and the other twenty-two are arguments on LanguageLog.

Lifehacking!

Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they should, they didn't stop to think if they could.

I'm proud to announce that as of this year I've become a world-class expert at chewing.

Aww, the oceanic crust and the continental crust are getting married!

Neither group uses iso 8601 because the big-endian enthusiasts were all at the meeting 20 years ago.

You can leave at any time through the door over there. It's a Louisville door, so you'll need to find a compatible knob. No, don't be silly, that one is a Lexington knob! Of course it won't fit.

She's a perfectly nice lady from a beautiful city, and there's no reason to be mean just because she thinks a quarterback is a river in Egypt.

The Romeo and Butt-Head film actually got two thumbs up from Siskel and Oates.

I recently had someone ask me to go get a computer and turn it on so I could restart it. He refused to move further in the script until I said I had done that.

Learning arcane bullshit from the 80s can break your computer, but if you're willing to wade through arcane bullshit from programmers in the 90s and 2000s, you can break everyone else's computers, too.

If you tune out again, when you tune back in you'll be hearing about dusty plasma fission fragment rockets.

Each SCAPDFATIAT point increases the chance that the process will involve the phrase 'by the next business day.'

And that's *another* crypto conference I've been kicked out of. C'mon, it's a great analogy!

I may have also tossed one of a pair of teleportation rings into the ocean, with interesting results.

My thighs have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord?

If you ask it to please turn off that feature, it apologizes a whole bunch and promises to try to be quieter, then switches to a slightly lower-volume version of the clip with "sorry!" after the louder sounds.

Doug's cousin, the one from London, runs a Bumble love cult.

'So how DID you go from working at the employment records office to becoming president of MIT and CEO of IBM?' 'I guess I just have an eye for opportunities.'

Gorilla, yes. Adorable golden retriever, yes. But it says nothing about meerkats.

I guess I should be signing stuff, but I've never been sure what to sign. Maybe if I post my private key, I can crowdsource my decisions about what to sign.

I ended up getting my tax return prepared at a local place by a really friendly pretrained neural net named Greg.

You absolute-fucking-... shit.

WARNING: This item was aged by the same inexorable passage of time that also processes nuts.

Shoot for the Moon. If you miss, you'll end up co-orbiting the Sun alongside Earth, living out your days alone in the void within sight of the lush, welcoming home you left behind.

Premed: "Does this count for a physics credit? Can we shorten the string so I can get it done faster? And can we do one where it hits me in the face? I gotta do a thing for first aid training right after."

What are all these less-than signs? What's an HREF? Look, we know you live in a fancy futuristic tech world, but not all of us have upgraded to the latest from Sun Microsystems.

If only my ancestors had been fortunate enough to marry into the branch of the bacteria family that could photosynthesize, like all my little green cousins here.

Maybe if I spin it back and forth really fast I can do some kind of pulse-width modulation.

"I think I'll pass. These days I have a hard time feeling comfortable in crowded bars with loud music and lots of shouting." --me, after the pandemic, but now for a second reason

There's a supposed Mark Twain quote, "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." It isn't really by Mark Twain, but I don't know who said it—I just know they've never been to McMurdo Station.

If most people turn into muderers all of a sudden, we'll need to push out a firmware update or something.

Hey, it says here that if you dream about your teeth falling out, it means they're spreading.

It's really hard to control the frequency, actually.

If they're going to make people ride bikes and scooters in traffic, then it should at LEAST be legal to do the Snow Crash thing where you use a hook-shot-style harpoon to catch free rides from cars.

In Rio de Janeiro in 2016, the same jump will get an athlete 0.25% higher (>1cm) than in London four years prior.

Wait till they notice the faint reflection of Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny in the E-mode.

This map preserves the shapes of Tissot's indicatrices pretty well, as long as you draw them in before running the resize.

I have a bunch of things open right now.

Some lava around the piercing site is normal, but keep an eye out for spreading earthquakes and eruptive activity that might indicate rifting.

Over the years I've decided I'd rather have them on than not, but I'm glad there aren't "has opened a blank note to compose a reply to you" notifications.

I was sure he was just getting revenge, but then he did the same thing to Carrie Underwood. Then he mailed me a scone. I think I'm giving up dating.

If you get your hands on that one, it's the worst place to have a breaking-up conversation.

It's made me way more excited about ferris wheels, subways, car washes, waterslides, and store entrances that have double doors with a divider in the middle.

'Here, I'll put my number in your cell pho -- wait, why is it already here?'

Maybe I should let up on Megatokyo a little?

Correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while mouthing 'look over there'.

If I developed a hue-shifting metamaterial, I would photobomb people's Instagram pics with a sheet of material that precisely undid the filter they were using.

The company started out exploiting a loophole in the law banning scooters. The city was mad at first, but then they noticed how much they were saving on street cleaning.

Though please do confirm that it's actually *me* on Klout first, and not one of my friends trying to get me punched. The great thing about this douchebag deadman switch is that I will never dare trigger it.

Look, you can't complain about this after giving us so many scenarios involving N locked chests and M unlabeled keys.

What I really want is to hang out where I hung out with my friends in college, but have all my older relatives there too.

Thankfully for everyone involved, the Winter Olympics officials spotted me and managed to stop me before I got to the ski jump.

It's fun to watch browsers fumblingly recapitulate the history of window management. Someday we'll have xmonad as a Firefox extension.

Opening dialogue by Scott

Good luck to Democrats in the upcoming Georgia runoff elections, and to the Google Sheets SREs in the current run-on elections.

They could say "the connection is probably lost," but it's more fun to do naive time-averaging to give you hope that if you wait around for 1,163 hours, it will finally finish.

And I even got out my adorable new netbook!

A good lifehack is to use messy and unstable systems to organize your photos. That way, every five years or so it becomes obsolete and/or collapses, and you have to open it up and pick only your favorite pictures to salvage.

To anyone who understands information theory and security and is in an infuriating argument with someone who does not (possibly involving mixed case), I sincerely apologize.

One perk of being born at 0.88c is that your birthday is over two days long.

"I know it seems impossible, but the trick is that I sailed in here when I was very young."

Here in the entomology department, we have a simple two-step formula for answering any question: (1) ants are cool, and (2) we forgot the question because we were thinking about ants.

The universe is probably littered with the one-planet graves of cultures which made the sensible economic decision that there's no good reason to go into space--each discovered, studied, and remembered by the ones who made the irrational decision.

Depending what corners of the internet you hang out on, 'regular' may at times awkwardly coexist with 'sexy.'

I'm just trying to explain, please don't be jealous! Man, why are all my relationships ruined by early 90's rappers?

We're like 10+ movies in and the focus has been almost entirely on the WARS half.

No horse has yet managed the elusive Quadruple Crown—winning the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, the Belmont Stakes, and the Missouri Horse Hole.

Stay while I recount the crazy TF2 kill I managed yesterday, my friends.

It's crazy how much my gut opinion of a movie/song is swayed by what other people say, regardless of how I felt coming out of the theater.

A big obstacle in experimenting with the mind's dream-simulation-engine is holding onto the details as you wake up. With TCMP you can bring back any information you want.

Wow, ANIMORPHS-NOVEL.RTF? Just gonna, uh, go through and delete that from all my archives real quick.

IT'S ALL REAL

I've looked through a few annotated versions of classic books, and it's shocking how much of what's in there is basically pop-culture references totally lost on us now.

The Credible Machine

<3 If there's anything you can do, I'll let you know. For the moment, any simple distracting online games sent to sick@xkcd.com will not go unappreciated [EDIT: Holy crap 2,700 games before noon. I love you guys; thank you. They will be passed along and played by us all.]

The best thing about Strunk/White fanfiction is that it's virtually guaranteed to be well written.

Any time I misspell a word it's just because I have too much integrity to copy answers from the dictionary.

A leading expert characterized the situation as 'retarded'

I have nothing to apologize for.

Reportedly, double-walled inflatable balls like this exist somewhere. Now to find that place.

What if someone broke out of a hypothetical situation in your room right now?

They estimate the rocket should be free by approximately ... uh ... well, in about two hours.

Yes, I understand that the turn is half a mile past the big field, but my GPS knows that, too. This would be easier if you weren't about to ask me to repeat it all back to you.

I wonder what surviving human held the record before balloons (excluding edge cases like jumping gaps on a mountain bridge). Probably it was someone falling from a cliff into snow or water, but maybe it involved something weird like a gunpowder explosion or volcano.

For a thousand generations we vowed never to forget how his soldiers feasted on our brother Stephen.

'DISPATCHING DRONE TO TARGET COORDINATES.' 'Wait, crap, wrong button. Oh jeez.'

Tau Ceti is farther away, so it took me 36 years to start the war over updog.

Fans eagerly await 2015's 'Space Fights: Power Gets Up', although most think 1999's 'Space Fights: The Scary Ghost' didn't live up to the hype.

I mean, seriously, NOWHERE? For starters, there are like a thousand species of dinosaur.

'Touch!' 'Nope, I sighed and stared at you with resignation, so I regained emotional right-of-way.'

Your point that the world contains multiple problems is a real slam-dunk argument against fixing any of them.

Eventual headline: 'University Researchers Create Life in Lab! Darkness, Faulty Condoms Blamed.'

Just yesterday I bought my first non-DRM'd songs (The Last Vegas, in keeping with my 'I only listen to things from Guitar Hero' theme).

The only effect on the history books were a few confusing accounts of something called 'Greek fire.'

I think you mean 'GNU Info Override'.

In the latest round, 9-year-old Muhammad Ali beat 10-year-old JFK at air hockey, while Secretariat lost the hot-dog-eating crown to 12-year-old Ken Jennings. Meanwhile, in a huge upset, 11-year-old Martha Stewart knocked out the adult Ronda Rousey.

'Hey, can you call my cell?' '...I'm trying, but it says this number is blocked?' 'Ok, thanks, just checking.'

The best wedge issue is an actual wedge.

I love Eileen / and want you to love her / When you're around / I'm one floor above her / If you could see / just how much I adore her / Oh, that pretty red dress / I'd do anything for her / (Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye ayy)

Otherwise known as Margaret the Destroyer, I will bring pain to the the Great One. Then again, maybe I won't.

And sometimes I use it to retaliate against the guy upstairs with the loud girlfriend and the elliptical dish.

Interestingly, on a true vertical log plot, I think the Eiffel Tower's sides really would be straight lines.

Now that airlines have started adding wheel locks to their drink carts, less than half of flights have one accidentally fall out through the hole.

I vaguely and irrationally resent how useful WebPlotDigitizer is.

There are probably children out there holding down spacebar to stay warm in the winter! YOUR UPDATE MURDERS CHILDREN.

No, we actually do have a woman who's basically part of our fellowship. She lives in Rivendell, you wouldn't know her.

WARNING: PEOPLE NAMED EVE ARE PROHIBITED FROM INSTALLING THIS APP!

Officer suspended from horse.

You can also try 'Yikes.'

Sure, you can talk about per-capita adjustment, but if you want to solve the problem, it's obvious that this is the group you need to focus on.

Birds are Aves, which is part of the clade Theropoda, which is in Saurischia, which is in Dinosauria. Those birds outside our windows are dinosaurs. We can clear out the rest of our brains because we now have the best fact.

I was thinking of observing stars to verify Einstein's theory of relativity again, but I gotta say, that thing is looking pretty solid at this point.

The foil on the toothpick represents the blue flash.

Evidence suggests the 1899 transactions occurred as part of a global event centered around a deity associated with the lotus flower.

Stay right there, we'll be back in a minute. We've just gotta brainstorm some new wonders. Have you all figured out gears yet? Yes? Crap.

I'm not saying it's all bad, but that movie has not aged as well as my teenage self in 2000 was confident it would.

To picture 10^18, just picture 10^13, but then imagine you connect the left side of the 3 to close off the little bays.

When designing an interface, imagine that your program is all that stands between the user and hot, sweaty, tangled-bedsheets-fingertips-digging-into-the-back sex.

We had gathered that raw information, but had yet to put it all together.

What's weirder is that muons turned out to be INCREDIBLY cute.

"That's ... unsettling." "Yeah, those definitely don't sound like the normal drea– ＬＡＴＩＴＵＤＥＴＨＲＥＥＦＩＶＥＰＯＩＮＴ..."

$Then we move to phase two. Gas stations store fuel in underground tanks. Normally, these are inaccessible except via the pump. However, with hydraulic fracturing, we-- Wait! Come back!$

'If you're done being pedantic, we should get dinner.' 'You did it again!' 'No, I didn't.'

My friend Finn tried to mail one end of the cable to me and thread the mail system.

Also, I apologize for the time I climbed down into your world and everyone freaked out about the lesbian orgy overseen by a priest.

If they're getting valuable enough stuff from you, at least the organized crime folks have an incentive to issue regular updates to keep the appliance working after the manufacturer discontinues support.

After the test, she said that if she had a choice, she wouldn’t defend herself against drones using a tennis ball and racket, though she would absolutely pick them over other sports equipment. But, she added, "Drones don't bother me."

'Hey Megan, it's your father. How do I print out a flowchart?'

As my standard, I use going to sleep at midnight and waking up at 8 AM.

Living in the southern hemisphere was nice because I could jump extra high, but I like it here too. Besides, if I ever want to move back, I can just curl up in a ball and wait!

Also, if you read his speech at Rice, all his arguments for going to the moon work equally well as arguments for blowing up the moon, sending cloned dinosaurs into space, or constructing a towering penis-shaped obelisk on Mars.

Controls are a little hard to figure out.

Socrates could've saved himself a lot of trouble if he'd just brought a flashlight, tranquilizer gun, and a bunch of rescue harnesses.

Ultimately, history would imperfectly record the story of the Foal of Troy.

Hey, let go! We were all thinking it! Someone had to speak truth to power!

He continued, 'Okay, Bernanke is uncontaminated. Find a crossbow and get him into position behind one of the columns at the Fed entrance. This is gonna get ugly.'

We've learned that weird spacing and diacritics in the methodology description are apparently the key to good research; luckily, we've developed an AI tool to help us figure out where to add them.

2030: "I just bought a house for one bitcoin. No, it's the equivalent of a dollar. Houses are often transferred for a nominal fee because the buyer is taking responsibility for containing the holo-banshees in the attic."

Later renouncing clickbait, Einstein called his inclusion of cosmological content in general relativity the biggest blunder of his career.

In a tribute to classical Latin, I started pronouncing it 'per-kent.' Eventually my friends had to resort to spritzing me with a water bottle like a cat to train me out of it.

100 years later, this story remains terrifying--not because it's the local network block, but because the killer is still on IPv4.

If you can't get your graphing tool to do the shading, just add some clip art of cosmologists discussing the unusual curvature of space in the area.

During the day it also activates for neat clouds and pretty sunsets.

It's great for exfoliating your skin, bones, houses, cities, landscape, etc.

Does it get taller first and then widen, or does it reach full width before getting taller, or alternate, or what?

'Whoa, twenty-two in two hours!' 'Your site got twenty-two hundred hits in two hours?' 'No. Twenty-two. But still, that's like half the people on the internet!'

I wanna hold your hand so I don't fall out of your gyrocopter.

Man, there's future *everywhere*.

For many of the anatomy pictures on Wikipedia, I think this is actually not far from reality. They only look all formal and professional due to careful cropping.

When I was little I had trouble telling my dad apart from the dog. I always recognized my mom because she had a bunch of extra plutoniums in her middle. I never did ask her why ...

This reminds me of that video where ... no? How have you not seen that? Oh man, let me find it. No, it's ok, we can go back to your video later.

'At the stroke of midnight, your brother will be hurtling sideways at an altitude of 150 meters' is a regular physics prediction about your nonmagical trebuchet, whereas 'you are cursed to build a brother-launching trebuchet' falls out of the Lagrangian.

The month names are the same, except that the fourth month only has the name 'April' in even-numbered years, and is otherwise unnamed.

Wait, no, that one also loses. How about a nice game of chess?

So he's saying that God thought Hitler's art was so bad that the Holocaust was an acceptable alternative. It's no secret that the hat guy is closely based on Aram, from Men in Hats.

Zero results: 'snake charming' and 'haberdashery'. (Things like 'car' and 'boating' and such are of course the highest, by a huge margin.)

I think the IETF hit the right balance with the 128 bits thing. We can fit MAC addresses in a /64 subnet, and the nanobots will only be able to devour half the planet.

The only post to achieve perfect balance between the four was a hilarious joke about Mark Zuckerberg getting caught using a pseudonym to sneak past the TSA.

"I've noticed you physics people can be a little on the reductionist side." "That's ridiculous. Name ONE reductionist word I've ever said."

I'm sure you can find some suitable worldbuilding material if you scavenge through the archives.

And then it turns out they're both Tyler Durden.

Merlin really shouldn't leave his dirt bike lying around.

Ever notice how there aren't as many thunderstorms now as there were when you were a kid? Much like 'the shuffle on my MP3 player has a bias', this is occasionally true but universally believed. Brains are so interesting!

Actually, 'RSS&M' is kinda catchy.

The plug fits really snugly, so it should be safe in a crash.

I'm sure they're a harmful tool of the cosmetics-industrial complex and all, but my goodness do those strips ever work to pull gunk out of your pores. I was shocked, disgusted, and vaguely fascinated by the result.

This replaces the previous solar activity watch, which was issued last month when the sun took off its sunglasses.

This scavenger hunt is getting boring. Let's go work on the treehouse!

I'm the Philosopher until someone hands me a burrito.

I always figured the word 'blog' would sound *less* silly as the years went by.

Hard to believe that for so many years once they were fully extended we just let them tip over.

If you're annoying enough, you can get them to respond with an involuntary second sigh and get a rhythm going.

Conveniently approximated as e+2, Pau is commonly known as the Devil's Ratio (because in the octal expansion, '666' appears four times in the first 200 digits while no other run of 3+ digits appears more than once.)

I like to think that somewhere out there, there's someone whose personal quest is lobbying TV providers to add an option to switch their on-screen keyboards to Dvorak.

I love the idea here, though of course it's not a great-quality drawing or scan.

Under three ounces, but it stains panties.

I always wanted to impress them with how well I could hear, didn't you? Also, this sets the record for number of awkward-pause panels in one strip (previously held by Achewood)

Some future reader, who may see the term, without knowing the history of it, may imagine that it had reference to some antiquated bridge of the immortal Poet, thrown across the silver Avon, to facilitate his escape after some marauding excursion in a neighbouring park; and in some Gentleman's Magazine of the next century, it is not impossible, but that future antiquaries may occupy page after page in discussing so interesting a matter. We think it right, therefore, to put it on record in the Oriental Herald that the 'Shakesperian Rope Bridges' are of much less classic origin; that Mr Colin Shakespear, who, besides his dignity as Postmaster, now signs himself 'Superintendent General of Shakesperian Rope Bridges', is a person of much less genius than the Bard of Avon. --The Oriental Herald, 1825

The bug report was marked 'could not reproduce'.

This data is actually going into improving our self-driving car project, so hurry up--it's almost at the minefield.

You also refuse to buy Cisco products because you hate the Thong Song, O. Henry, Deep Space Nine, freshwater whitefish, teenaged Incan emperors, Brak's brother, and vegetable-based shortening.

Gen-Z got a chunk of the Carboniferous, and now all their memes are about how pathetic and small today's dragonflies are.

In my reboot, Dennis the Menace was just trying to send Mr. Wilson a nice comet, but accidentally wiped out his dinosaur garden.

It's like one teraspoon / when all you need is a kilonife

My hobby: Taking advantage of the rice myth by posting articles on "how to save your wet phone" which are actually just elaborate recipes for rice pilaf.

You say this daily walk will reduce my risk of death from cardiovascular disease by 30%, but also increase my risk of death by bear attack by 300%? That's a 280% increased! I'm not a sucker; I'm staying inside.

Parents: talk to your kids about popup blockers. Also, at some point, sex. But crucial fundamentals first!

I have never seen a work of fiction so perfectly capture the out-of-nowhere shock of discovering that you've just bricked something important because you didn't pay enough attention to a loose wire.

Space-time is like some simple and familiar system which is both intuitively understandable and precisely analogous, and if I were Richard Feynman I'd be able to come up with it.

Speed Limit: 45 MPH / Minimum: 65 MPH

Hey, before you go, can you explain to me what job I now have?

The zoo takes special care to keep kings separated from opposite-color pieces as part of their conservation program to prevent mating in captivity.

2060: The gregarious superintelligent AI, happily talking its way out of a box, is fast becoming a relic of the past. Today's quantum hyper-beings are too busy with their internal multiverse sims to even notice that they're in boxes at all!

You will be led to judgement like lambs to the slaughter--a simile whose existence, I might add, will not do your species any favors.

Hey Rob, sorry it took me a while to get back to you! Sure, I'd love to see WALL-E opening weekend! Are you still doing that, or...?

This site requires Sun Java 6.0.0.1 (32-bit) or higher. You have Macromedia Java 7.3.8.1¾ (48-bit). Click here [link to java.com main page] to download an installer which will run fine but not really change anything.

Scientists occasionally invent alternative periodic table layouts, which is usually a sign that they don't have enough enrichment in their enclosures.

There's a river flowing through the ocean

I know hand dryers have their problems, but I think for fun we should keep egging Dyson on and see if we can get them to make one where the airflow breaks the speed of sound.

To detect dark matter, we just need to build a bird feeder that spins two squirrels around the rim in opposite directions at relativistic speeds and collides them together.

The failures usually don't hurt anything, and if it installs several versions, it increases the chance that one of them is right. (Note: The 'yes' command and '2>/dev/null' are recommended additions.)

If you got a big keyspace, let me search it.

I would say time is definitely one of my top three favorite dimensions.

Two Hedwig references, an obscure Joey Comeau reference, and a girl with a mohawk. Yes.

Remember not to take it easy. Put a hot washcloth on your forehead, remain standing, and breathe dry air while taking lots of histamines. You need to give your body a chance to get sick again.

The use of the 'Garfield' character for the purposes of this parody qualifies as fair use under the Copyright Act of 1976, 17 U.S.C. sec. 107. See Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music (92-1292), 510 U.S. 569

Blown into prime factors

I can't wait until this is all over and I can go back to riding my horse through the mall.

I'm really worried Christopher Nolan will kill a man dressed like a bat in his next movie. (The man will be dressed like a bat, I mean. Christopher Nolan won't be, probably.)

Hey, man, the 1670s called. They were like 'Wherefore this demonic inſtrument? By what ſorcery does it produce ſuch ſounds?"

The Street View van isn't going to find out anything Google won't already know from reading my email.

At this point, if we're going to keep insisting on portraying dinosaurs as featherless because it's "cooler", it's time to apply that same logic to art involving bald eagles.

President Andrew Johnson once said, "If I am to be shot at, I want Gnome Ann to be in the way of the bullet."

The debate over the correct Messier number for the Ship of Theseus is ongoing.

Effect strength => [unstoppable] | Effect range => [2 miles] | Effect duration => [1 year]

'You see the same pattern all over. Take Detroit--' 'Hold on. Why do you know all these statistics offhand?' 'Oh, um, no idea. I definitely spend my evenings hanging out with friends, and not curating a REALLY NEAT database of temperature statistics. Because, pshh, who would want to do that, right? Also, snowfall records.'

Coconuts are so far down to the left they couldn't be fit on the chart. Ever spent half an hour trying to open a coconut with a rock? Fuck coconuts.

"The police told me I can't be a doctor, but whenever they show up I just go into the Google Maps settings page I found and change the house to 'Police Headquarters' and then they have to do what I say."

MY RESULTS ARE A SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT ON THE STATE OF THE AAAAAAAAAAAART

Tired of waiting on hold? Use our website to chat with one of our live agents, who are available to produce words at you 24/7!

Plato made the solids, and five were gifted to the mathematicians. But in secret Plato forged a sixth solid to rule over all the others.

U[unprintable glyph]: The elements a higher power uses to bend that moral arc. U[even more unprintable glyph]: The higher power's overall experience bending that moral arc.

Thanks to differences in logging regulations, the messages actually turned out to be visible from the air.

If I wait a while, it's not so bad, because then it's just shaped like me, plus some pipes and tanks and probably eventually all of Earth's oceans.

Progress on getting shipwrecked sailors to adopt ICMPv6 has been slow.

Nature abhors a vacuum and also anything that's not a crab.

Maybe I haven't been to Iceland because I'm busy dealing with YOUR crummy code.

Backward-compatible with many existing cables, and can connect directly to phones or tablets if you press them down hard enough.

You think, 'okay, THIS is an ideal use case for hardlinks!' but then 6 months later you're doing some extremely cursed Google search like 'javascript ext4' and wondering where things went wrong.

He was the first person to land a 900, which is especially impressive because pulling off a half-integer spin requires obeying Fermi-Dirac statistics.

If you ever hear "Wait, is that Kim Dotcom's new project? I'm really excited about it and already signed up, although I'm a little nervous about whether everyone should hand over control of their medical...", it's time to dig a bunker in your backyard.

We were disappointed that the rocket didn't make a THOOOONK noise when it went into the tube, but we're setting up big loudspeakers for future launches to add the sound effect.

The Greeks long suspected this, but it wasn't until April 12th of 1882 that Ferdinand von Lindemann conclusively proved it when he constructed himself the most awesome birthday party possible and nobody showed up.

Any arrangement is an edible arrangement if you're hungry enough.

Once you add the balloons into the model, it makes forecasting easier overall--the forecast is always 'cold and dark, with minimal solar-driven convection.'

Some of the atoms in the molecule are very weakly bound.

There's Livejournal drama between those who want to wear human suits over fursuits and those who just take off the fursuits.

By the third trimester, there will be hundreds of babies inside you.

’"‘”’" means "I edited this text on both my phone and my laptop before sending it"

"Or maybe, because we're suddenly having so many conversations through written text, we'll start relying MORE on altered spelling to indicate meaning!" "Wat."

Prank #11: Boston

Excellent recovery: ... which we could try to use to somehow save your original brother!

As the King of All Cosmos remarked, 'Is it that it's fun, or that it lets you forget yourself?'

Oh, your brother is Luke. Sorry, should've mentioned that first.

Communication is one of the most popular ways to transmit information, ahead of rivals such as

They try to pad their numbers in the annual reports by counting Galileo's redundant systems as multiple computers, but they're falling behind badly either way.

Since we haven't really settled on a name for those online hangout/work spaces that try to recreate the experience of cafes, and I love confusion, I'm going to start calling them 'cyber cafes' or 'internet cafes.'

We need a special holiday to honor the countless kind souls with unsecured networks named 'linksys'.

Stanford sleep researcher William Dement said that after 50 years of studying sleep, the only really solid explanation he knows for why we do it is 'because we get sleepy'.

We don't need to do a clinical trial of this change because the standard of care is to adopt new ideas without doing clinical trials.

'The sad thing is that I just wanted to talk about your poor smoke-bomb techniques.'

I actually remember being entertained by both the sequels while in the theater. They just don't hold up nearly as well in later comparison.

Trust me, you don't want to get on the wrong side of the paramilitary enforcement arm of the International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service.

'Oh yeah? Give me 50 milliscore reasons why I should stop.'

I hope that somewhere in the world, "Panamax" is the last option on a "size" drop-down menu on a sex toy site.

Getting the utility people to run transmission lines to Earth is expensive, but it will pay for itself in no time.

CVS's pharmacies are fine, but I much prefer their [censored]s.

I hate the unearthly sound my phone makes when the weather service issues a tornado harbinger.

At the time of this writing, Wikipedia has a wonderful article titled 'List of problems solved by Macgyver'.

You don't use science to show that you're right, you use science to become right.

I hear that there are actual lyrics later on in Land of 1,000 Dances, but other than the occasional 'I said,' I've never listened long enough to hear any of them.

Also on the agenda: what's with his hips?

How could anyone consider themselves a well-rounded adult without a basic understanding of silicate geochemistry? Silicates are everywhere! It's hard to throw a rock without throwing one!

As of this writing, the only thing that's 'razor-thin' or 'too close to call' is the gap between the consensus poll forecast and the result.

I'll never install a smart home smoke detector. It's not that I don't trust the software--it's that all software eventually becomes email, and I know how I am with email.

I don't remember her name at all, but she fell asleep on the floor in front of me.

A whirlpool!

Oops, All Neutrons is also known as Neutral Quadrium, Nydnonen, and Goth Tritium.

HISTORIANS: We've decided to trim the past down to make things more manageable. Using BCE/CE, would you rather we lose the odd-numbered or even-numbered years?

It may be a fundamentally empty experience, but holy crap the Droid's 265 ppi screen is amazing.

I get that there are security reasons for the schedule, but this is like the ONE problem we have where the right answer is both easy and straightforward. If we can't figure it out, maybe we should just give up and just replace all the portraits on the bills with that weird pyramid eye thing.

At first I was making fun of them, but joke's on me--the deer is surprisingly ergonomic, except for the kicks.

The Earth's magnetic field is primarily generated by currents in the liquid outer core, though some geophysicists argue that an unexplained mismatch with models suggests that the Kinder toy contains a magnet.

With the right 90-degree rotation, any effect is a side effect.

While it may seem like trivia, it (causes huge headaches for software developers / is taken advantage of by high-speed traders / triggered the 2003 Northeast Blackout / has to be corrected for by GPS satellites / is now recognized as a major cause of World War I).

A human is a system for converting dust billions of years ago into dust billions of years from now via a roundabout process which involves checking email a lot.

Shoot, it landed in the golf course. Gonna be hard to get it down the--oh, never mind, it rolled onto the ice hazard. Face-off!

Hang on, I just remembered another thing I'm right about. See...

There are more Trump voters in California than Texas, more Biden voters in Texas than New York, more Trump voters in New York than Ohio, more Biden voters in Ohio than Massachusetts, more Trump voters in Massachusetts than Mississippi, and more Biden voters in Mississippi than Vermont.

The next day: 'What? Six bank robberies!? But I just vandalized the library!' 'Nice try. They saw your plate with all the 1's and I's.' 'That's impossible! I've been with my car the whole ti-- ... wait. Ok, wow, that was clever of her.'

Grayton also proposed making college scholarships available exclusively to sexually active teens, amnesty for illegal immigrants who create room for themselves by killing a citizen, and a graduated income tax based on penis size. He has been endorsed by Tracy Morgan, John Wilkes Booth's ghost, and the Time Cube guy.

Spherical or parabolic reflectors would of course lead to aberrant behavior.

On the news a few days later: "Buzz is building around the so-called 'camping Roomba' after a big investment. Preorders have spiked, and..."

Yes you are! And you're sitting there! Hi, kitty!

It seems wrong that Fruit by the Foot is only sold by weight or by number of rolls.

People often say that same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 60s. But in terms of public opinion, same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 90s, when it had already been legal nationwide for 30 years.

The SLS head engineer plans to invite Shania Twain to stand under the completed prototype, then tell her, 'I don't expect you to date me just because I'm a rocket scientist, but you've gotta admit--this is pretty fucking impressive.'

Anyone who thinks we're all going to spend the 2032 elections poring over rambling blog posts by teenagers has never tried to read a rambling blog post by a teenager.

Escape Artist Frees Self From Conversation With Pickup Artist

Luckily for my interpretation, no precincts were won by the Green Party.

But the past was much too cramped!

I'm so glad NASA let you take your phone to Mars!

I don't dig pit traps and cover them with sticks and a thin layer of leaves nearly as much as I expected; I find a chance to do it barely once a month.

The real challenge is how to file Boba Fett's biography of Doris Kearns Goodwin.

I spent more time trying to get an audible.com audio book playing than it took to listen to the book. I have lost every other piece of DRM-locked music I have paid for.

The TI-86 was bad enough. I don't know how I'd have gotten through high school if I'd had a laptop+wifi.

Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.

There's always the hope that if you sit and watch for long enough, the beachball will vanish and the thing it interrupted will return.

Sometimes, you can tell Bloom filters are the wrong tool for the job, but when they're the right one you can never be sure.

Another group of mathematicians is working to put an upper bound on the number, although everyone keeps begging them to stop.

[Earlier, at the eye doctor] 'No, for the last time, the numerals on the paper aren't my prescription, it's the shape I want you to make with the laser.'

Welcome to the Linguistics Department - It has been [2] [DAYS] since someone noticed that the Biology Department sign has a one-day-long singular/plural disagreement after it resets.

Facebook defines relationships. 'Yeah, we would have broken up last night, but the net connection was down.'

I'm inside your head and I hate it. Please let me out.

This restaurant is great! I was feeling really sick, but then I ate there and felt better!

If there's no dome, how do you explain the irregularities the board discovered in the zoning permits issued in that area!?

Delaware hopes to explore the western edge of areas marked with the Belgian flag, once the tornadoes die down.

West Norsussex is east of East Norwessex, but they're both far north of Middlesex and West Norwex.

Cracked.com is another inexplicable browser narcotic. They could write a list of '17 worst haircuts in the Ottoman Empire' and I'd read through to the end, then click on all the links at the end.

Ultra-Serial Violet C light is unpolarized, so you don't have to flip the polarizing filter over when you get the orientation wrong the first time.

My connection to it goes way back, to my early days, when I was just a cloud of primordial hydrogen collapsing in the darkness of space.

If you ever see someone using a capital xi in an equation, just observe them quietly to learn as much as you can before they return to their home planet.

If you ask "why are leaves green?" the usual answer is "because they're full of chlorophyll, and chlorophyll is green," even though "why does chlorophyll scatter green light?" is a great question too.

[Halfway to the Sun ...] Heyyyy ... what if this BALLOON is full of acorns?!

Be careful fighting gravity. If you win, it's a long way down.

My favorite thing to do at parties is to talk judgmentally about people who aren't there.

These new Bluetooth socks are great, but it's troubling to learn that I average almost 14 hours of Shoe Time a day.

"There's one set of foot-p's cause I was totes carrying you, bro!" said Jesus seconds before I punched him.

I bet if I yell at my scared friends I will feel better.

Hang on, I've heard this problem. We need to pour water into the duct until the phone floats up and ... wait, phones sink in water. Mercury. We need a vat of mercury to pour down the vent. That will definitely make this situation better and not worse.

Not enough houses on your block? Just hit them at 30-year intervals from here to 2300 and get 10x the candy.

Reductio ad absurdum fails when reality is absurd.

No one likes my novelty ringtone, an audio recording of a phone on vibrate sitting on a hard surface.

Neal Stephenson thinks it's cute to name his labels 'dengo'

The new crowd is heavily shaped by this guy named Eric, who's basically the Paris Hilton of the amateur plastic crazy straw design world.

I've developed a more logical set of rules but the people on the chess community have a bunch of stupid emotional biases and won't reply to my posts.

There's a red convertible outside my building with the license plate 'DADS MNY'.

And I could replace you with older pictures of you, from back when you looked happy.

I have a thing for corrupt women.

If you find and stop the video, but you've--against all odds--gotten curious about the trade summit, just leave the tab opened. It will mysteriously start playing again 30 minutes later!

To really expand your mind try some noncartesian porn. Edwin Abbot Abbott has nothing on 'Girls on Girls in Tightly Closed Nonorientable Spaces'.

Right now it's a bicycle wheel, so we've had to move to lighter vehicles, but the reduced overhead is worth it. There was one week when a wheel of cheese got dangerously close to the first page, though.

Placeble 228 x/6n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜

(c) You can have a scooter when you pay for it yourself, and (d) if you can't learn to start a new thread rather than responding to an old one, you'll be banned. [thread locked by moderator]

I'm happy with my Kindle 2 so far, but if they cut off the free Wikipedia browsing, I plan to show up drunk on Jeff Bezos's lawn and refuse to leave.

Scientists still don't know how marine biologists manage to so consistently bring up whalefall ecosystems, when relevant conversational openings are so few and far between.

My parents sent me to several years of intensive Kix test prep.

I asked a few friends whether they'd had this happen, then looked up the popularity of their initials/names over time. Based on those numbers, it looks like there must be at least 750,000 people in the US alone who think 'Sure, that's probably my email address' on a regular basis.

It can take a site a while to figure out that there's a problem with their 'report a bug' form.

Fortunately, after a brief skirmish, I seem to have gained the upper hand in the battle against my internal organs, at least until they learn to read and find out the mean stuff I've said about them.

If androids someday DO dream of electric sheep, don't forget to declare sheepCount as a long int.

Who can forget the early 2010s memes? 'You know you're a 90s kid if you remember the feeling of warm sunlight on your face.' 'Only 90s kids remember the dawn.'

As far as I can tell, Navajo doesn't have a common word for 'zero'. do-neh-lini means 'neutral'.

Hey, I don't make the rules. It's in the book.

Oh dang, you have to pay? Hey, has anyone else paid already? If so, can I borrow your phone for a sec?

There are a lot of books on marketing out there. I wonder if you're safest just buying the most popular one.

Don't fire until you see through the fragile facade to the human being within.

Manage cookies related to essential site functions, such as keeping Atrus and his sons imprisoned within the page.

And even though it all went wrong / I'll stand before the lord of song / with nothing on my tongue but 'I don't understand, I swear I backed up my keyboard config before messing with it'

Amazon.com took a surprise early lead with 'Time required to transport a package from Iquitos, Peru to Manaus, Brazil' but then lost it at 'Minutes to skeletonize a cow'.

The fifth panel also applies to postmodernists.

I can't wait until I'm fully vaccinated and can safely send chat messages in all caps again.

They also showed activation in the parts of the brain associated with exposure to dubious study methodology, concern about unremoved piercings, and exasperation with fMRI techs who won't stop talking about Warped Tour.

And a different ghost has replaced me in the bedroom.

The universe long dead, IsaAC surveyed the formless chaos. At last, he had arrived at an answer. 'I like you,' he declared to the void, 'but I don't LIKE like you.'

When Pope Gregory XIII briefly shortened the light-year in 1582, it led to navigational chaos and the loss of several Papal starships.

Wikipedia trivia: if you take any article, click on the first link in the article text not in parentheses or italics, and then repeat, you will eventually end up at "Philosophy".

Each quarter of the lanes from left to right correspond loosely to breast cancer stages one through four (at diagnosis).

Everything is a cloud application; the ping times just vary a lot.

If you live in Los Angeles (around 33°52'N, roughly the latitude of Hermosa Beach) the black hole in V404 Cygni passes over you each day. On Christmas Day it will be directly overhead around 2pm.

At the boundary between each zone, stories blend together. Somewhere in the New Mexico desert, the Roadrunner is pursued by a tireless Anton Chigurh.

This rumpled fabric at the corner looks like evidence of ongoing tectonic activity.

Gonna start bugging the Unicode consortium to add snake segment characters that can be combined into an arbitrary-length non-breaking snake.

Markets have been rocked by a second day of uncertainty after someone set up a giant Ouija board on the NYSE wall controlled collectively by the movement of the stock tickers.