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Positive vibes/longitudes only

Their crash investigation team had some particularly harsh words for Dave Matthews.

Their calculations show it will 'pass within the distance of the moon' but that it 'will not hit the moon, so what's the point?'

NASA may not want to admit it, but at this point they ARE the 90's Kid Space Program.

The best thing about Strunk/White fanfiction is that it's virtually guaranteed to be well written.

'The mountains near here formed when the ... Newfoundland ... microplate collided with, uhh ... Labrador.' 'Ok, now you're definitely just naming dogs.' 'Wait, no, that's actually almost correct.'

Welcome to Wyoming, motto "We'd like to clarify that Cheyenne Mountain is in Colorado."

There's nothing hotter than porn dubbed over with a poorly-mic'd teenager's voice explaining each step in a droning monotone. 'okay, we're almost at the spawn point ... separate the labia, but watch out, there are more inside them ..."

We all remember those famous first words spoken by an astronaut on the surface of Mars: "That's one small step fo- HOLY SHIT LOOK OUT IT'S GOT SOME KIND OF DRILL! Get back to the ... [unintelligible] ... [signal lost]"

That track ('Battle Without Honor or Humanity') -- like 'Ride of the Valkyries' -- improves *any* activity.

Oops, All Neutrons is also known as Neutral Quadrium, Nydnonen, and Goth Tritium.

If she'd lived in Flagstaff (elevation 6,903 feet), Cruella de Vil would only have needed 89 dalmatians for her coat.

Easier to escape: n-layered nested quotes or an iron maiden?

'Oh, hey Mom. No, nothing important, just at work.'

This article is about Eta Carinae, a luminous blue hypergiant with anomalous Fe[ii] emission spectra. For the 1998 Brad Bird film, see The Iron Giant (film).

My first words were 'These were my first words; what were yours?'

"Of these four forces, there's one we don't really understand." "Is it the weak force or the strong--" "It's gravity."

Another option: "It is an honor to be the first human to set foot on the moon."

We also should really have checked that the old water tower was disconnected from the water system before we started filling it with compressed air.

'Drama' is just 'people being upset', when someone says they're always surrounded by drama and they just ignore it, it starts to make sense that their strategy might be backfiring.

It's believed that Golgi was originally an independent organism who was eventually absorbed into our cells, where he began work on his Apparatus.

Friends with detriments.

Well, *I* think I'm real. Look at me. Look at my face. Cut me and I'll bleed. What more do you want? Please don't go.

Fortunately, the charging one has been solved now that we've all standardized on mini-USB. Or is it micro-USB? Shit.

If you've never had sex, this is what it feels like. Complete with the brief feeling of satisfaction, followed by ennui, followed by getting bored and trying to make it happen again.

Ugh, it says they attempted delivery but "Nobody was home."

The only downside is that it would be a little uncomfortable

In the latest round, 9-year-old Muhammad Ali beat 10-year-old JFK at air hockey, while Secretariat lost the hot-dog-eating crown to 12-year-old Ken Jennings. Meanwhile, in a huge upset, 11-year-old Martha Stewart knocked out the adult Ronda Rousey.

cerebrospinal fluid, pericardial fluid, sputum, aqueous humor, perilymph, chyme, hydatid fluid, interstitial fluid, rheum, and gin.

*click* Let him know he's got a stain on his shirt, though.

Of course, "Number of times I've gotten to make a decision twice to know for sure how it would have turned out" is still at 0.

My MRI research shows a clear correlation between the size of the parietal lobe--the part of the brain that handles spatial reasoning--and enjoyment of 3D Doritos®.

The Earth's magnetic field is primarily generated by currents in the liquid outer core, though some geophysicists argue that an unexplained mismatch with models suggests that the Kinder toy contains a magnet.

If you close an account while it's still friends with people, it contributes to database linkage accumulation slowdown, which is a major looming problem for web infrastructure and definitely not a thing I just made up.

Actually, 'RSS&M' is kinda catchy.

Our experiment will be expensive, but we believe it will produce important spin-offs, especially if we manage to hit the sun from the right angle.

Backward-compatible with many existing cables, and can connect directly to phones or tablets if you press them down hard enough.

There's quark color, but that's not really color--it's just an admission by 20th century physicists that numbers are boring.

Sci-fi has energy weapons because otherwise the people like me who watch it get distracted counting shots.

We were going to do a falling-apart Rubik's cube that was just 27 independent blocks stuck together with magnets, but then we realized it was actually really cool and even kind of worked, so we cut that one.

Prank #11: Boston

Low gravity can cause bone loss, so we're pleased to report that, since we initiated capsule motion, the number of bones in each crew member has been steadily increasing.

It was tricky.

NASCAR removed the passenger seats because drivers hated how astronauts kept riding along with them and loudly announcing "Ahh, what a nice and relaxing drive."

Theranos partnership: Sorry, we know, but we signed the contract back before all the stuff and the lawyers say we can't back out, so just try to keep your finger away from the bottom of the phone.

So what do we do when we get to base 10? Do we use A, B, C, etc? No: Numbers larger than about 3.6 million are simply illegal.

I hate when I read something like '... tension among the BASE jumpers nearly led to wingsuit combat ...', and I get excited because 'wingsuit combat' is underlined, only to find that it's just separate links to the 'wingsuit' and 'combat' articles.

You're saying that the responsibility for avoiding miscommunication lies entirely with the listener, not the speaker, which explains why you haven't been able to convince anyone to help you down from that wall.

Calligraphy exam: Write down the number 37, spelled out, nicely.

Seriously considering buying some illegal drugs to try to turn them back into cold medicine.

Bonus points if you can identify the science in question

These are all sans-serif compounds. Serif compounds are dramatically different and usually much more reactive.

I guess it's also the right setting for pictures of the Moon at night.

And every day it gets harder to fight the urge to su to the user and freak people out.

If you're really savvy, you can hide an entire set of illicit transactions by timing them to draw what looks like a graph inset.

It all came flat-packed in Pandora's Box.

2048: "Great news for Maine—we're once again an independent state!!! Thanks, @unicode, for ruling in our favor and sending troops to end New Hampshire's annexation. 🙏🚁🎖️"

Speed limit c arcminutes^2 per steradian

My Redwall/Jurassic Park crossover fanfic is almost complete!

There's an intersection I drive through sometimes that has a forward green arrow, a red light, and a 'no turns' sign all on one pole. I honestly have no idea what it's telling me to do.

Listen, in a few thousand years you'll invent a game called 'SimCity' which has a 'disaster' button, and then you'll understand.

Roger Ebert once called you directionless and unwatchable.

Once you see it, you can't help seeing it every time. Until your body finishes metabolizing the mushrooms.

Of all the nations, the armies of the ununoctium-benders are probably the least intimidating. The xenon-benders come close, but their flickery signs are at least effective for propaganda.

Your manuscript "Don't Pay $25 to Access Any of the Articles in this Journal: A Review of Preprint Repositories and Author Willingness to Email PDF Copies for Free" has also been rejected, but nice try.

When designing an interface, imagine that your program is all that stands between the user and hot, sweaty, tangled-bedsheets-fingertips-digging-into-the-back sex.

'Guys? The Town is supposed to be good, and I thou--' 'PHYSICIST STEPHEN HAWKING DECLARES NEW FILM BEST IN ALL SPACE AND TIME' 'No, I just heard that--' 'SHOULD SCIENCE PLAY A ROLE IN JUDGING BEN AFFLECK?' 'I don't think--' 'WHAT ABOUT MATT DAMON?'

It looks good, but it needs more postfixins.

CELEBRATE: Serve passengers tiered cakes shaped like the airspace class diagram

There's a cool mental calculation hack I recently learned for this: If you open the calendar app on your phone or computer, the highest-numbered box along the bottom is equal to the number of days in the month!

The two best reasons to get into fossils are booping trilobites and getting to say the word "fossiliferous" a lot.

James suggested this, and I have to agree. It'd be much worse.

I'm just trying to explain, please don't be jealous! Man, why are all my relationships ruined by early 90's rappers?

I want this engraved on my tombstone like the Epitaph of Stevinus.

More likely: Click on all the pictures of people who appear disloyal to [name of company or government]

Police reported three dozen cheerful bystanders, yet no one claims to have seen who did it.

In addition to having all their budgets in a spreadsheet with consistent formatting, they just love expressing preferences on a well-calibrated numerical scale.

Our retina display features hundreds of pixels per inch in the central fovea region.

But one of the regulars in the channel is a girl!

Reductio ad absurdum fails when reality is absurd.

All music is just performances of 4'33" in studios where another band happened to be playing at the time.

And if you drive a typical car more than a mile out of your way for each penny you save on the per-gallon price, it doesn't matter how worthless your time is to you--the gas to get you there and back costs more than you save.

We have this conversation at least once a day in my apartment

The prereqs for CPSC 357, the class on package management, are CPSC 432, CPSC 357, and glibc2.5 or later.

Cue angry letters from all seven fans of Xenocide.

Not shown: the approximately 30,000 identical, vaguely hysterical articles titled "WHITE PEOPLE IN [THE US/BRITAIN] TO BECOME MINORITY BY [YEAR]!", which came up for basically any year I put in.

Numbers can be tricky. On the day of my 110th birthday, I'll be one day younger than John Tukey was on his.

Delaware hopes to explore the western edge of areas marked with the Belgian flag, once the tornadoes die down.

[LIVE]

Every time you email a file to yourself so you can pull it up on your friend's laptop, Tim Berners-Lee sheds a single tear.

It's kinda Zen when you think about it, if you don't think too hard.

Ground-pole-ball-pole can be fun if you shake the first pole to get the second one whipping around dangerously, but the ball at the joint gets torn apart pretty fast.

I'm not very good at meeting people.

They're also refusing to fund my device that demonstrates uncontrolled hot fusion.

But then she does that thing with her tongue and I remember why I left you.

Grandma says that because of differences in primate and feline lifespans, the cat is actually my 17,000,000th cousin 14,000,000 times removed.

If you're not cool enough to do it manually, you can look up tools like Upside-Down-Ternet for playing games with people on your wifi.

A 5% efficiency gain at the cost of a 99% efficiency loss

::click:: Come back! You didn't see the one of Whistler's mother!

Stay warm, little flappers, and find lots of plant eggs!

As of this writing the NASA/JPL websites are still overloaded. Trying CURIOSITY-REAR-CAM_[256px_x_256px].torrent.SwEsUb.DVDRip.XviD-aXXo.jpg instead.

Don't expect any leniency on late fees, though.

The most important attributes of a vector in 3-space are {Location, Location, Location}

I don't know what's worse -- that there exists broken-hard-drive-sound techno, or that it's not half bad.

I would describe my personal alignment as "lawful heterozygous silty liquid."

At the time of this writing, Wikipedia has a wonderful article titled 'List of problems solved by Macgyver'.

Guys: while I was writing this, I accidentally swallowed a table-sized slab of drywall. I know! Wacky.

[moments later, checking phone] Okay, I agree my posting it was weird, but it's somehow even more unnerving that you immediately liked the post.

I remember trying to log in to the original Command and Conquer servers a year or two back and feeling like I was knocking on the boarded-up gates of a ghost town.

SUGGESTIONS FOR FUTURE RESEARCH: No further research is needed as it is frankly none of our business.

Bruce Schneier believes safewords are fundamentally insecure and recommends that you ask your partner to stop via public key signature.

Knuth Paper-Stack Notation: Write down the number on pages. Stack them. If the stack is too tall to fit in the room, write down the number of pages it would take to write down the number. THAT number won't fit in the room? Repeat. When a stack fits, write the number of iterations on a card. Pin it to the stack.

Despite having now taken three months longer than the airplane people, we're making disappointingly little progress toward the obvious next stage of vehicle: The Unobtanium-hulled tunneling ship from the 2003 film 'The Core.'

Not actual size, except technically at one spot near the left.

[They do not move.]

Programming the sexbots to enjoy sex seemed a sensible move at the time, but we didn't realize the consequences of their developing fetishes.

It was actually canceled because they just noticed he's been naked under that coat the whole time. There's a petition on Facebook to get Fox to un-cancel it, and one on Livejournal to get him to take off the coat.

Under quantum tax law, photons sent through a beamsplitter don't actually choose which path they took, or incur a tax burden, until their wavefunction collapses when the power is sold.

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he's copied on /var/spool/mail/root, so be good for goodness' sake.

Tired of waiting on hold? Use our website to chat with one of our live agents, who are available to produce words at you 24/7!

There was a schism in 2007, when a sect advocating OpenOffice created a fork of Sunday.xlsx and maintained it independently for several months. The efforts to reconcile the conflicting schedules led to the reinvention, within the cells of the spreadsheet, of modern version control.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a BITCH ASS SHIT FUCK DAMN

To get serious analyses of hurricanes and oil slicks, see Jeff Masters' blog. To get serious discussions of worst-case scenario thinking, see Bruce Schneier's blog. To get enough Vitamin D, don't read any blogs and go outside instead.

This reminds me of that video where ... no? How have you not seen that? Oh man, let me find it. No, it's ok, we can go back to your video later.

I'm rubber. You're rubber. We contemplate the reality of our existence in mute, vulcanized horror.

"Since there's no ending quote mark, everything after this is part of my quote. —Randall Munroe

I love Eileen / and want you to love her / When you're around / I'm one floor above her / If you could see / just how much I adore her / Oh, that pretty red dress / I'd do anything for her / (Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye ayy)

The biggest expense was installing the mantle ducts to keep the carbonate-silicate cycle operating.

There are actually lowercase-like 'oldstyle' forms of normal numbers with more pronounced ascenders and descenders, which is why some numbers like '5' in books sometimes dangle below the line. But the true capital numbers remain the domain of number maven Mavis Beacon.

Attention all passengers: This is an express sequence to infinity. If your stop is not a power of two, please disembark now.

That one is a variable star which pulses every 30 seconds. Its name comes from a Greek word meaning "smoke alarm."

Also, if you read his speech at Rice, all his arguments for going to the moon work equally well as arguments for blowing up the moon, sending cloned dinosaurs into space, or constructing a towering penis-shaped obelisk on Mars.

A medicine that makes you put two dots over your letters more often is a diäretic.

Poisson distributions have no value over negative numbers

Sharks can occasionally travel short distances through air when pursuing prey, but their attenuation coefficient is pretty high.

I wonder if I still have time to go shoot a short film with Kevin Bacon.

If you want to be extra safe, check that there's a big block of jumbled characters at the bottom.

Astronomers are a little unsure of the applicability of this index, but NASA's Planetary Protection Officer is all in favor.

More generally, with great power comes great dEnergy/dt.

"You still can't walk into someone's house without being invited!" "What? Oh, I see your confusion. No, this vaccine is for a bat VIRUS. I'm fine with doorways and garlic and stuff."

I love their cover of 1,200 Balloons, Dalmatians, and Miles.

I hear Steven Levitt is writing a book analyzing A.J. Jacobs' quest to spend a year reading everything Malcolm Gladwell ever wrote. The audiobook will be narrated by Robert Krulwich of Radiolab.

The other side of USB-C is rotationally symmetric except that the 3rd pin from the top is designated FIREWIRE TRIBUTE PIN.

You think, 'okay, THIS is an ideal use case for hardlinks!' but then 6 months later you're doing some extremely cursed Google search like 'javascript ext4' and wondering where things went wrong.

I don't understand the things you do, and you therefore may represent an interaction with the quantum vacuum virtual plasma.

Of course, you don't wanna limit yourself to the strict forms of the meter. That could get pretty difficult.

Functional programming combines the flexibility and power of abstract mathematics with the intuitive clarity of abstract mathematics.

It's hard to believe, but lots of kids these days ONLY know how to buy prepackaged molecules.

That guy only drives an alkaline car to overcompensate for his highly acidic penis.

Curdled milk, of a peculiar kind, made after a Bulgarian recipe and called "yaghurt," is now a Parisian fad and is believed to be a remedy against growing old. A correspondent who has tried it, says he would prefer to die young. (1905, The Elk Falls Journal)

[after typing 1,500 words on feathered dinosaurs, paleontology, sexism, lava, and dinosaurs as animals rather than movie monsters] Sorry to cut it short, I'm on my phone. When I'm back at a keyboard, I can give you another 5,000 words.

The TempurPedic wineglass guy broke his ankle.

At least if you're really into, like, Turkish archaeology, store clerks aren't like 'hey, how 'bout those Derinkuyu underground cities!' when they're trying to be polite.

And if you labeled your axes, I could tell you exactly how MUCH better.

Oh, definitely not; they don't have Amazon Prime.

I'm trying to be healthier, so after I eat this brick of cheese, I'll have a spoonful of grease-soaked vegetables.

"Friction-driven static electrification is familiar and fundamental in daily life, industry, and technology, but its basics have long been unknown and have continually perplexed scientists from ancient Greece to the high-tech era. [...] To date, no single theory can satisfactorily explain this mysterious but fundamental phenomenon." --Eui-Cheol Shin et. al. (2022)

Unfortunately, body size and bite force continue to increase.

Wikipedia's role as brain-extension, while a little troubling, is also really cool.

Some say the world will end in fire; some say in segfaults.

Abel and Steve would've been fine! I like Steve!

I don't understand why people are so disingenuous! I just want someone to walk with!

This one is from the Red Belt collection, of 'medium' difficulty.

Terms I'm going to start using: The Large Dipper, great potatoes, the Big Hadron Collider, and Large Orphan Annie.

She won the first half of all our chemo Scrabble games, but then her IV drugs started kicking in and I *dominated*.

Funding was quickly restored to the NHC and the APA was taken back off hurricane forecast duty.

The bug report was marked 'could not reproduce'.

The contents of any one panel are dependent on the contents of every panel including itself. The graph of panel dependencies is complete and bidirectional, and each node has a loop. The mouseover text has two hundred and forty-two characters.

One good trick, if you get called on a fake service, is to build a working version of it and mention it again the next week.

A death-first search is when you lose your keys and travel to the depths of hell to find them, and then if they're not there you start checking your coat pockets.

CIRCULAR VIDEO - PROS: Solves aspect ratio problem. CONS: Never trust anyone who talks to you from inside a circle.

Arguably, the '1/2' in the drag equation is purely decorative, since drag coefficients are already unitless and could just as easily be half as big. Some derivations give more justification for the extra 1/2 than others, but one textbook just calls it 'a traditional tribute to Euler and Bernoulli.'

And a different ghost has replaced me in the bedroom.

Every time IERS adds or removes a leap second, they send me a birthday cake out of superstition.

Hello and welcome to Millibar Millibarn Attometer, an advice show for the Planck era.

I always figured you should never bring a gun to a gun fight because then you'll be part of a gun fight.

Hourly haircuts would be annoying, but they'd be easier to do yourself, since you'd have adjacent hairs as a guide. Growing it out would be a huge pain, though.

'Baby Got Back' turned 20 this year. My favorite nostalgia show is VH1's 'I Love The Inexorable March of Time Toward the Grave That Awaits Us All.'

A comic by my brother Doug, redrawn and rewritten by me

It's important to learn the moves that take you into the vortex, but it's best not to study vortex itself too closely. Even grandmasters who have built up a tolerance lose the ability to play for a few hours after studying it.

Everything is a cloud application; the ping times just vary a lot.

If most people turn into muderers all of a sudden, we'll need to push out a firmware update or something.

P.S. We're going to the beach this weekend, so I'm attaching my preregistration forms for that trip now, before we find out whether it produces any interesting results.

<3 If there's anything you can do, I'll let you know. For the moment, any simple distracting online games sent to sick@xkcd.com will not go unappreciated [EDIT: Holy crap 2,700 games before noon. I love you guys; thank you. They will be passed along and played by us all.]

Their 'best philosophy of epistemology' picks are great, but you can tell they're struggling a little in the 'why you should trust us' section.

To really expand your mind try some noncartesian porn. Edwin Abbot Abbott has nothing on 'Girls on Girls in Tightly Closed Nonorientable Spaces'.

'Why on Earth would someone commit air piracy just to finance a terrible movie decades later?' 'People are very strange these days.'

It has a section on motherboard beep codes that lists, for each beep pattern, a song that syncs up well with it.

Under my system, boxing and football suffered, pair figure skating still worked but had to adapt by dropping some moves, and pro wrestling was actually completely unaffected.

"It's not an influenza, but the onset has notes of the '09 H1N1 strain." "Ah yes, that was a good year for H1N1."

In addition to gravity, burritos interact through the strong, weak, and electromagnetic forces, which is believed to be a major contributor to their popularity.

There's a mountain lion nearby, but it didn't notice you because it's reading Facebook.

But seriously, there's loads of intelligent life. It's just not screaming constantly in all directions on the handful of frequencies we search.

Took me five tries to find the right one, but I managed to salvage our night out--if not the boat--in the end.

The choices we make Tuesday could have MASSIVE and PERMANENT effects on the charts on Nate Silver's blog!

Also, I hear the 4th root of (9^2 + 19^2/22) is pi.

Hi! Someone call for me? I'm a superhero who specializes in the study of God's creation of Man in the Book of Genesi-- HOLY SHIT A GIANT BUG!

I don't remember her name at all, but she fell asleep on the floor in front of me.

Once they selected the other proposal, we could have kept shopping ours around, but we would had to modify it include an aqueduct over their canal, which would be totally unreasonable.

I am firmly of the opinion that if something doesn't have a year on it, every time the expiration date rolls around it is good again for the two weeks preceding that date.

When Salvador Dalí died, it took months to get all the flagpoles sufficiently melted.

If you want to see the polling questions we agree on MOST, you can check out Chapter 24 of my book How To, where I got the Roper Center on Public Opinion Research to help me design the world's least electable political campaign platform.

And now I might never get to again.

'I'm here to return what Prometheus stole.' would be a good thing to say if you were a fighter pilot in a Michael Bay movie where for some reason the world's militaries had to team up to defeat every god from human mythology, and you'd just broken through the perimeter and gotten a missile lock on Mount Olympus.

Manage cookies related to essential site functions, such as keeping Atrus and his sons imprisoned within the page.

There's a version that shows the planets with no cropping, but it's hard to find a display that supports it.

Our experimental aerogel iceberg with helium pockets manages true 100% efficiency, barely touching the water, and it can even lift off of the surface and fly to more efficiently pursue fleeing hubristic liners.

Every time we detect an asteroid from outside the Solar System, we should immediately launch a mission to fling one of our asteroids back in the direction it came from.

I came here to chew bubblegum and say no more than eighteen words ... and I'm all out of

The zoo takes special care to keep kings separated from opposite-color pieces as part of their conservation program to prevent mating in captivity.

The chemistry experiment had me figuratively -- and then shortly thereafter literally -- glued to my seat.

That card holds a refrigerator carton's worth of floppy discs, and a soda can full of those cards could hold the entire iTunes store's music library. Mmmm.

About one in three North American subway stops are in NYC.

Once he had the answer, Arrhenius complained to his friends that he'd "wasted over a full year" doing tedious calculations by hand about "so trifling a matter" as hypothetical CO2 concentrations in far-off eras (quoted in Crawford, 1997).

Whenever I miss a shot with a sci-fi weapon, I say 'Apollo retroreflector' really fast, just in case.

Superman lies near the bird/plane boundary over a range of distances, which explains the confusion.

Ok, well, we'll be sure to pay you sometime soon, geologically speaking.

2078: He announces that he's finally making the jump from screen+irssi to tmux+weechat.

I'm glad modern car washes use synthetic baleen, instead of harvesting it from whales like 1800s car washes did.

"You don't know how high above you the sky goes, but you're not freaking out about that." "Well, NOW I am!"

The BBC lead was 'The elusive erogenous zone said to exist in some women may be a myth, say researchers who have hunted for it.' I couldn't read it with a straight face.

They left the belt drive in place but switched which wheel was powered, so people could choose between a regular ride, a long ride, and a REALLY long ride.

The articles are much shorter, but I assume that's because this version predates the merger with the Hawaiian text that created the modern Hawaiian-Greek hybrid wiki-pedia.

Good thing he didn't make it smaller, or it'd need someone three inches tall to play it.

I believe the truth always lies halfway between the most extreme claims.

'Why don't you just point it at their eye directly?' 'What is this, 2007?'

People get really grumpy when they realize you're giving them directions for how to go to the store and buy a GPS.

When an Ur guy / sells Nanni things / but the copper's bad, / He simply records his complaint for all time / "I got a bad deal / I'm maaaaad"

Elon Musk finally blocked me from the internal Tesla repository because I wouldn't stop sending pull requests for my code supporting steering via vim keybindings.

The universe fandom is great. Such sweet and enthusiastic people.

Trivia: Elaine is actually her middle name.

There's also a proof without content of a conjecture without content, but it's left as an exercise for the reader.

Later renouncing clickbait, Einstein called his inclusion of cosmological content in general relativity the biggest blunder of his career.

Maybe there's no tenderness in her fingertips either, but at least SHE puts out.

Sorry, in SI units that's "there's a big football in there."

If you can manage to choose u and v such that u = v = x, then the answer is just (1/2)x^2, which is easy to remember. Oh, and add a '+C' or you'll get yelled at.

The projection's north pole is in a small lake on the island of Mahé in the Seychelles, which is off the top of the map and larger than the rest of the Earth's land area combined.

The only big difference I've seen is in colors. Where the regular text reads 'press red button', the braille reads 'press two-inch button'.

Friggin' modern tents don't have a single piece of rope.

Frankly, I see no difference between thee and a summer's day. Only Ron Paul offers a TRUE alternative!

After decades of studying the curve and the procedure that generates it, the consensus explanation is "it's just like that."

If I'm not going to upgrade to a powered one, I should at LEAST stop leaving the door open so often.

This is even better than my previous smartphone casemod: an old Western Electric Model 2500 desk phone handset complete with a frayed, torn-off cord dangling from it.

Life hack: Wait for an advanced civilization to be briefly distracted, then sneak in and construct a slightly smaller Dyson sphere inside theirs.

It's like the traveling salesman problem, but the endpoints are different and you can't ask your friends for help because they're sitting three seats down.

Especially you mouseover-text readers. You're the best. <3

I love how Google handles dimensional analysis. Stats are ballpark and vary wildly by time of day and whether your mom is in town.

Some future reader, who may see the term, without knowing the history of it, may imagine that it had reference to some antiquated bridge of the immortal Poet, thrown across the silver Avon, to facilitate his escape after some marauding excursion in a neighbouring park; and in some Gentleman's Magazine of the next century, it is not impossible, but that future antiquaries may occupy page after page in discussing so interesting a matter. We think it right, therefore, to put it on record in the Oriental Herald that the 'Shakesperian Rope Bridges' are of much less classic origin; that Mr Colin Shakespear, who, besides his dignity as Postmaster, now signs himself 'Superintendent General of Shakesperian Rope Bridges', is a person of much less genius than the Bard of Avon. --The Oriental Herald, 1825

By clicking anywhere, scrolling, or closing this notification, you agree to be legally bound by the witch Sycorax within a cloven pine.

I'M SORRY, FROM YOUR YEARS OF CONDESCENDING TOWARD THE 'SQUISHY SCIENCES', I ASSUMED YOU'D BE A LITTLE HARDER.

U+FDD0 is actually Unicode for the eye of the basilisk, though for safety reasons no font actually renders it.

Our anti-de Sitter club is small at the moment, but I've started corresponding with the conformal field theory people.

ERRORS: HAIR JAM. COLOR-SAFE CONDITIONER CARTRIDGE RUNNING LOW. LEGAL-SIZE HAIR TRAY EMPTY, USING LETTER-SIZE HAIR ONLY.

dpkg: error processing package (--purge): subprocess pre-removal script returned error exit 163: OH_GOD_THEYRE_INSIDE_MY_CLOTHES

Now, if it selectively kills cancer cells in a petri dish, you can be sure it's at least a great breakthrough for everyone suffering from petri dish cancer.

If nothing else, that reasoning definitely overturns syllogisms.

If I click 'no', I've probably given up on everything, so don't bother taking me to the page I was trying to go to. Just drop me on the homepage. Thanks.

Certified skydiving instructors know way more about safely falling from planes than I do, and are way more likely to die that way.

Current (water) running through the water (wires) causes it to boil, increasing the pressure (voltage), but resisting (impeding) the flow of hydroelectricity (water currents). This is the basis for Ohm's law.

You say no human would reply to a forum thread about Tom Bombadil by writing and editing hundreds of words of text, complete with formatting, fancy punctuation, and two separate uses of the word 'delve'. Unfortunately for both of us, you are wrong.

[As security is dragging me away] "Come on, at least I didn't make the mistake in the other direction!"

Sitting here idly trying to figure out how the population of the Old West in the late 1800s compares to the number of Red Dead Redemption 2 players.

Their biggest mistake was bringing Rachael Ray and Emeril to tour the lab and sign off on the project. That's when Spielberg caught wind of it.

As far as "being in the pocket of Big Egg" goes, I think the real threat is Chansey.

It gets worse! You know that wizened old monk with the gypsy wife whose voodoo shop we smash up every day after school?

WARNING: PEOPLE NAMED EVE ARE PROHIBITED FROM INSTALLING THIS APP!

And I was really impressed with how they managed to shock the Goatse guy.

'You will have hot, steamy, sweaty sex ... IN BED!'

It's even harder if you're an asshole who pronounces <> brackets.

College Board issues aside, I have fond memories of TI-BASIC, writing in it a 3D graphing engine and a stock market analyzer. With enough patience, I could make anything ... but friends. (Although with my chatterbot experiments, I certainly tried.)

RIP the surface of Mars

Biology is really struggling; they're barely at 93% and they keep finding more ants.

When Vera Menchik entered a 1929 tournament, a male competitor mocked her by suggesting that a special 'Vera Menchik Club' would be created for any player who lost to her. When the tournament began, he promptly became the first member of said club, and over the years it accumulated a large and illustrious roster.

I'm a big fan of Kurt Halsey

At the boundary between each zone, stories blend together. Somewhere in the New Mexico desert, the Roadrunner is pursued by a tireless Anton Chigurh.

Ugh, it's stuck to my laptop. It must have bound to the ACER-2 receptor.

In my experience, mosquitos and poison ivy are bad, but the very worst itch comes from bites from chiggers (Trombicula alfreddugesi). They're found across the American south and great plains, so the best home remedy is to move to Iceland.

Cesium-133, let it be. Cesium-134, let it be even more.

Colorado is working to develop coherent amber waves, which would allow them to finally destroy Kansas and Nebraska with a devastating but majestic grain laser.

Hey! No running in the back-arc basin!

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

Subway refuses to answer my questions about whether it's an International Footlong or a US Survey Footlong. A milligram of sandwich is at stake!

In fact, one of the boxes is full of Staphylococcus. The wrapping paper is coated in E. coli, though, so it's an understandable mistake. You know, we should really stop accepting gifts from that guy.

"Wait, how often are you getting bitten by snakes? And why are you boiling water?" "Dunno, the CDC people keep showing up with complicated questions about the 'history of the property' and 'possible curses' but I kinda tune them out. At least one of them offered me the flu shot."

We're going to need to modify the surface to mount it on the test stand. Which ocean basin do you like the least?

[Decades in the future] "Well, the good news is that we've received definitive communication from aliens. The bad news is that they're asking about Cats (2019)."

And what about all the people who won't be able to join the community because they're terrible at making helpful and constructive co-- ... oh.

My favorite might be U+1F609 U+1F93F WINKING FACE VOMITING.

The henchmen Bebop and Rocksteady have hijacked the musical genres for us just like the Lone Ranger hijacked the William Tell Overture for our parents.

And I was kicked out of my March Madness pool because I wouldn't shut up about the evidence for NBA/ABA endosymbiosis.

Employment statistics have to correct for the fact that the Weird Bug Hotline hires on a bunch of extra temporary staff every 17 years.

I understand large sample sizes are key to a low standard error of the mean, but the entire sophomore class?

Normally, the Shuttle can't quite safely reach the orbital inclination required to pass over both those points from a Canaveral launch, but this is an alternate history in which either it launches from Vandenberg or everyone hates the Outer Banks.

'Where were you when you learned you'd won?' 'I was actually asleep; I woke up when I refreshed the webite and saw the news.'

'Rating: 1/5. Room filled to brim with semen, and when front desk clerk opened mouth to talk, bedbugs poured out.'

They managed to briefly hit the top of the rankings when they rejected everyone except one applicant, published 5 billion research papers that just said "Hi," and hired one of their graduates for $50 trillion/year (then fired them after 10 microseconds.)

It's not our fault we caught a group on their way home from a geography bee. And they taught us that Uzbekistan is one of the world's two doubly-landlocked countries!

I'd traverse it myself, but it's singly linked, so I'm worried that I won't be able to find my way back to 2021.

"Radians Fahrenheit or radians Celsius?" "Uh, sorry, gotta go!"

NOTIFICATION: Now dismissing a head of the Notification Hydra… NOTIFICATION: Success! You have dismissed a head of the Notification Hydra!

You'd think it'd be easy to just bet money against these people, but you have to consider the probability of them paying up.

Below the Web, and the Dark Web, a shadowy parallel world of Cybiko users trade messages on the Translucent Neon Plastic Web.

With just one extra line, he could have anticipated the 2003 film The Core, but some things are too audacious for even the greatest visionaries.

Oh God, the tornado picked up snakes!

The full analysis is of course much more complicated, but I can't stay to talk about it because I have a date.

"We TOLD you it was hard." "Yeah, but now that I'VE tried, we KNOW it's hard."

Benthic Santas weren't even discovered until the 1970s, but many scientists now believe Christmas may have originally developed around hydrothermal vents and only later migrated to the surface.

Using a reflective wall in a game to give one shot two chances to hit is called a double-tapetum lucidum.

It's important for devices to have internet connectivity so the manufacturer can patch remote exploits.

'What was the original problem you were trying to fix?' 'Well, I noticed one of the tools I was using had an inefficiency that was wasting my time.'

I'm entering my 24th year of spending eight hours a day firing the Duck Hunt gun at the flying toasters. I'm sure I'll hit one soon.

You have to be careful doing this. Sometimes, when you push the whisker down, dynamite explodes.

[shortly] ... he ate ALL of it!?

Yes, I understand that the turn is half a mile past the big field, but my GPS knows that, too. This would be easier if you weren't about to ask me to repeat it all back to you.

We've also developed the semi-semi-log scale, where the Y-axis for the left half of the graph is a log scale but on the right half it isn't.

Every choice, no matter how small, begins a new story.

Hi, I'm your new meteorologist and a former software developer. Hey, when we say 12pm, does that mean the hour from 12pm to 1pm, or the hour centered on 12pm? Or is it a snapshot at 12:00 exactly? Because our 24-hour forecast has midnight at both ends, and I'm worried we have an off-by-one error.

Apparently Google assumes you're traveling during the ferry's normal operating hours. We lost two hours circling that damn lake (to say nothing of the Straw Man).

To anyone who understands information theory and security and is in an infuriating argument with someone who does not (possibly involving mixed case), I sincerely apologize.

It's a linear extrapolation, Michael. How big could the error be? 10%?

Your point that the world contains multiple problems is a real slam-dunk argument against fixing any of them.

We're working to make sure the images are as up-to-date and accurate as possible, with a minimum number of sponsored galaxies.

If you live in Los Angeles (around 33°52'N, roughly the latitude of Hermosa Beach) the black hole in V404 Cygni passes over you each day. On Christmas Day it will be directly overhead around 2pm.

Dear Diary: UNSUBSCRIBE

After a pail of water was thrown on the Wicked Witch of the West outside Salt Lake City, Utah's Great Salt Lake was measured to be 7 parts per trillion witch by volume.

Increasing-precision timestamps are the Jaws theme of incident reports.

Sometimes the best fun looks like boredom.

I think about self-reference a lot. Example: this comment.

These rocks are from a time before eyes, brains, and bones, pieces of a land warmed by an unseen sun.

Dr. Petroff has also shown that the Higgs boson signal was actually sparks from someone microwaving grapes, the EHT black hole photo was a frozen bagel someone left in too long, and the LIGO detection was just someone slamming the microwave door too hard.

Data adapted from 'The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum' by A.S. Dyke et. al., which was way better than the sequels 'The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum: The Meltdown' and 'The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum: Continental Drift'.

Since people rarely try to cut down cell phone towers, after millions of years, as cell phone towers have gotten more treelike, trees have started growing fake cell phone tower attachments and shiny gray bark to protect themselves. This is a standard textbook example of convergent evolution.

Calm down--there were lots of arthropods living on your skin already. These ones are just bigger.

Interpretations of the Hermeneutic Oath differ.

This was actually wish #406. Wish #2 was for him to lose the ability to remember that each new wish wasn't my first.

Chomskyists, generative linguists, and Ryan North, your days are numbered.

Maybe I haven't been to Iceland because I'm busy dealing with YOUR crummy code.

To everyone who responds to everything by saying they've 'lost their faith in humanity': Thanks--I'll let humanity know. I'm sure they'll be crushed.

I just Googled 'roomba sojourner mod' and was sorely disappointed. Be the change, I guess!

Household tip: Tired of buying so much toilet paper? Try unspooling the paper from the roll before using it. A single roll can last for multiple days that way, and it's much easier on your plumbing.

Mr. Rogers projected an air of genuine, unwavering, almost saintly pure-hearted decency. But when you look deeper, at the person behind the image ... that's exactly what you find there, too. He's exactly what he appears to be.

Placeble 228 x/6n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜n⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜

Plus, time's all weird in there, so most of it probably broke down and decomposed hundreds of years ago. Which reminds me, I've been meaning to get in touch with Yucca Mountain to see if they're interested in a partnership.

My bracket was busted in the first round; I had Massachusetts v. Connecticut in the final, probably in a case over who gets to annex Rhode Island.

They also showed activation in the parts of the brain associated with exposure to dubious study methodology, concern about unremoved piercings, and exasperation with fMRI techs who won't stop talking about Warped Tour.

Be careful fighting gravity. If you win, it's a long way down.

If you're not completely satisfied with the phone after 30 days, we will return you to your home at no cost.

Just tell me everything you're thinking about in order from most important to last, and then we'll be friends and we can eat apples together.

PYTHON FLAG ENABLE THREE LAWS

It slowly dawns on us that our parents knew exactly what they were doing.

We are sexy, sexy Von Neumann machines.

They say you can't argue with results, but what kind of defeatist attitude is that? If you stick with it, you can argue with ANYTHING.

He holds the laptop like that on purpose, to make you cringe.

I wonder what year I'll discard the last weird food item that I bought online in early 2020.

If any of you want to meet some cool local oxygen atoms, I can introduce you!

Why I'm Moving Most of My Social Activity to Slack, Then Creating a Second Slack to Avoid the People in the First One, Then Giving Up on Social Interaction Completely, Then Going Back to Texting

Where I live, one of the most common categories of sky object without a weird obsessive spotting community is "lost birthday party balloons," so that might be a good choice—although you risk angering the marine wildlife people, and they have sharks.

(c) You can have a scooter when you pay for it yourself, and (d) if you can't learn to start a new thread rather than responding to an old one, you'll be banned. [thread locked by moderator]

As the King of All Cosmos remarked, 'Is it that it's fun, or that it lets you forget yourself?'

Due to a typo, I initially found a forum for serious Fleshlight enthusiasts, and it turns out their highest-end models are ALSO capable of setting trees on fire. They're impossible to use without severe burns, but some of them swear it's worth it.

I'm as surprised as you!

Freestyle rapping is basically applied Markov chains.

I love Brussels Sprouts Mandela Effect; I saw them open for Correct Horse Battery Staple.

Hang on, we got a call from the feds. They say we can do whatever with him, but the EPA doesn't want that laptop in the ocean. They're sending a team.

I think you mean 'GNU Info Override'.

"Oh, you're using their Chrome APP, not their Chrome EXTENSION. They're very similar but one handles window creation differently." is a thing I hope I can stop saying soon.

Listen, they request that you stop submitting a listing for your house labeled 'WHERE YOU BROKE MY HEART'.

Presented in partnership with Qualcomm, Craigslist, Whirlpool, Hostess, LifeStyles, and the US Chamber of Commerce. Manufactured on equipment which also processes peanuts. Price includes 2-year Knicks contract. Phone may extinguish nearby birthday candles. If phone ships with Siri, return immediately; do not speak to her and ignore any instructions she gives. Do not remove lead casing. Phone may attract/trap insects; this is normal. Volume adjustable (requires root). If you experience sudden tingling, nausea, or vomiting, perform a factory reset immediately. Do not submerge in water; phone will drown. Exterior may be frictionless. Prolonged use can cause mood swings, short-term memory loss, and seizures. Avert eyes while replacing battery. Under certain circumstances, wireless transmitter may control God.

You might think most people you know are reliable voters, or that your nudge won't convince them, and you will usually be right. But some small but significant percentage of the time, you'll be wrong, and that's why this works.

The next day: 'What? Six bank robberies!? But I just vandalized the library!' 'Nice try. They saw your plate with all the 1's and I's.' 'That's impossible! I've been with my car the whole ti-- ... wait. Ok, wow, that was clever of her.'

Anyone else watching this Youtube video in 1954? If so, my last trip definitely messed with the timeline.

Gonna start bugging the Unicode consortium to add snake segment characters that can be combined into an arbitrary-length non-breaking snake.

We've tested it on 30 different days and it hasn't gotten one wrong yet.

Bald-faced hornets are only a 2 on the Schmidt pain index, so I shouldn't complain. The tennis ball ejected from the dryer exhaust vent could have ricocheted off the nest of a much higher-scoring insect before knocking me off the ladder. Really, I'm lucky.

[Earlier, at the eye doctor] 'No, for the last time, the numerals on the paper aren't my prescription, it's the shape I want you to make with the laser.'

When you get to hell, tell smallpox we say hello.

If there's no dome, how do you explain the irregularities the board discovered in the zoning permits issued in that area!?

I'm looking to virally monetize your eyeballs by selling them for transplants.

I'm compromising by picking a weird hill to lie on.

'... hosts were unexpectedly fired from ABC's 'The View' today. ABC will likely announce new ...'

Okay, everyone, cross yourselves, then cross the streams.

Sometimes I'm terrified to realize how many options other people have.

It turns out that saying "Oh, so THAT'S why they call it Boxing Day" is a good way to get punched a second time.

Somewhere out there is a company that has actually figured out how to enlarge penises, and it's helpless to reach potential customers.

Hello, island

Our brains have just one scale, and we resize our experiences to fit.

Our work has produced great answers. Now someone just needs to figure out which questions they go with.

Strip originally conceived in conversation with Jeph Jacques. Soon to be a major motion picture.

You roll for initiative, and ... [roll] ... wow, do you ever take it.

The worst is being teased by responsible, mask-wearing teens. They even spritz the hamster ball with disinfectant before rolling it, carefully avoiding the filter vents.

A long time in the future, in a galaxy far, far, away, astronomers in the year 2008 sight an unusual gamma-ray burst originating from somewhere far across the universe.

Things were better before the Structuring and the Levels.

You can look at practically any part of anything manmade around you and think 'some engineer was frustrated while designing this.' It's a little human connection.

The dose is much lower when administered orally. We're still trying to get the paper into the needles for subcutaneous injection.

Of course, factions immediately sprang up in favor of '~*~sTaR tReK iNtO dArKnEsS~*~', 'xX_StAr TrEk InTo DaRkNess_Xx', and 'Star Trek lnto Darkness' (that's a lowercase 'L').

Hmm, they won't do in-flight delivery, so let's order a new first and second stage to our emergency landing site and then try to touch down on top of them to save time.

I dropped a bird and I didn't hear it hit bottom.

WE WILL ARREST THE REVOLUTION MEMBERS [AT THE JULY 28TH MEETING][tab] "Cancel the meeting! Our cover is blown."